The eternal sunshine of the f**cked up mind

Posted: June 1, 2017 in Uncategorized

Its a given that people with a personality disorder have quite a personality, disordered maybe? but we don’t lack character and I find that a positive. Now I have never been a silver linings searcher and I don’t subscribe to the idea that everybody has something positive in their lives just because they do, that lovey dovey BS has never washed with me and the proof of my life is enough to confirm this.

The reason I bring this up is I have been involved in a couple of conversations in the past few days that I felt I was bordering on the optimistic, that I may have been guilty of polishing a turd even but in truth I was speaking from the heart. I firmly believe that people with a personality disorder are in real terms smarter than average, maybe not book smart although some are certainly academic.

I can say with a hand on my heart that I see in the myriad of people I work with and speak to a level of intellect that always makes me smile. We joke about our devious ideas and blame CSI shows for our in depth knowledge of forensics and some of us (mainly me) have our own serial killer plan that is usually very clever (not mine I might add) and witty. Now its not the plan itself I find amazing but the capacity to make them up, to have the humour to speak about it and the imagination to come up with some genuinely frightening and hilarious plans.

The other thing I found myself discussing is not just our resilience, which is a given, but the way we can freely associate with our peers and add resolve to each other when we are usually unable to stir any within ourselves. I know that the rescuer issue will always be throw at us, we will do this to avoid facing our own lives etc. but in truth it works on a much more satisfying level in groups. The type of support and resolve offered is again usually very imaginative and the problem solving we can display is NASA quality at times.

Now saying all of this brings me to a quandary of sorts. Am I being authentic, a psycho therapy term if ever there was one, or have I become one of those people who blows smoke up peoples backside just to make them like me? not consciously , I would know if that was the case, but as with many of our less desirable behaviours subconsciously. I guess without being there or inside my head at the time no one is going to be able to help me decide and I can console myself with the fact that I may have been offering platitudes but at least they were true and the people I was talking to did get something from what I spoke about.

The real question I guess is why I’m even thinking about it? My evening wasn’t dull, I’m having a relatively good week and met some lovely people who genuinely wanted to know more to help their loved ones and yet here I am. I suppose the other side of that special way of thinking about things is that you use it for everything.



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