Reacting to a reactionary with inaction

Posted: May 23, 2017 in Uncategorized

So I was lying in bed in the early hours having given up watching films and hoping sleep may come at some point. As I often do I checked the news and was assaulted by the images of the cowardly attack in Manchester, I wont say too much about it as my ire is likely to arouse many feelings in myself and others, nothing needs to be said surely?

The thing I am willing to say is my reaction made me feel quite shocked as I went through the many differing emotions that most people will, as I always say PD doesn’t make me different it just heightens the depth of emotions and reactions I enact. I first became angered by the fact it happened, not the iniquity of the act, that’s a given but the failure to prevent it. I genuinely went into one at the authorities for a while which writing this now is entirely unfair but that’s how it went. I was then more sanely angry at the people responsible, that is still there of course but then it quickly escalated into the ideology of these cowards which very quickly went onto their religion itself.

I am irreligious as well as an atheist so I cannot claim to understand the idea of a devotion but I was quite able to imagine the acts of violence I wanted to commit in reaction to this and all the other attacks of recent times and it was only due to my recently found ability to catch myself in the act that I realised the irony of such a thought and the futility of violence in reaction to violence.

I was a child of London in the eighties, a time of IRA attacks and I myself was present in Chelsea when the barracks were bombed as we all being in the subway leading up to Rotten Row as the car bomb detonated, we emerged onto that bridleway to the horror of men and horses just half a mile ahead and the anger I felt at these and other acts fuelled a sectarian hatred that took years to understand and even longer to set aside. I was already unwell and my strong feelings were a clue to my future problems but the reasons were valid. I imagine that somewhere there is a misguided young man who equally believes that whatever grievances he has validate the use of violence and I try to look at it in this way as an attempt to moderate my aggression but its hard when the targets are children, in fact its impossible but I’m trying.

I guess the depth of feeling I and no doubt everyone with heart feels at times like this are entirely justified and I can accept this. The aggression I feel and indeed the internalised violence I am seeking to vent are my own and the PD makes it worse but not in a special way. Ultimately there are at least 22 lives lost and many more changed forever and their suffering is where I choose to direct my thoughts at this time, reacting would be sad memorial to such innocent lives and the scum who acted so cowardly want us to react in such ways and I refuse to do so.

My thoughts are with the people affected and the wider community of Manchester.


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