The third ones a self harm!

Posted: May 13, 2017 in Mental Health

I have written and published two books, not bragging just stating the facts as they stand today. Now there is something of a convention that I would be expected to write a third, in actual fact a fourth and fifth have been requested by some of my more impassioned readers and therein lies the problem.

I wrote my first novel almost as a reaction to leaving long term therapy, that’s not to say they were at all related in terms of subject matter but the fact I had gone from three days a week of intense psycho therapy to sitting in my front room alone for hours without an emotional or intellectual outlet so off I went into the dark twisted world of fiction and voila a book was born. Book two seemed like a natural progression and although not as easily found the creativity flowed well.

Now I am three years further on and book three is banging around my head awaiting a release and somehow ‘ the keyboard, not entirely but in terms of a workable document its stuck. There are many reasons for this but if I am brutally honest with myself the main one is my mind is too dark for even myself to be comfortable with on paper. I think everyone agrees that a good story must have passion and n that evokes feeling, preferably positive but equally good is a detestable one. I write very much about things I know a bit about and this can be a rich vein to work from but when, such as now, I open up the darkest parts of my psyche I fear that I am the detestable fiend I hope to document.

I am obviously not a Tajik pornographer or an afro Caribbean ex con, the protagonists in the first two books and neither am I the ex service man or his courageous brother who are the heroes of those stories . So why am I so tied up emotionally with the newest characters? I often tell my peers that we do get some compensatory qualities with our PD and one of them which is highly treasured is our creativity and lateral thinking, things I believe I have in some small measure. I know that I can take a scenario and pick it apart to see it from every angle and if necessary use the unpleasant side of things to put a different bent on it and my readers have said they really liked the way I got inside the darker issues so I should take that as licence to continue, shouldn’t I?

If I take the next step, which I think is almost inevitable in some form, then I may be delving into a very unpleasant place. My fear in doing so is I expose the true quality of my mind and that the world at large may not appreciate it as fiction. I have always been creeped out by Stephen King, his appearance alone does it but having read a few of his books and seen a lot of the films I always wonder at his true intent. That suspicion then sets me to asking what others think when they read my work, do they imagine my personal knowledge goes as far as personal experience or if it is something I fantasize about, which would make me a very dangerous person indeed, wouldn’t it?

I can’t say for sure there’s an answer to this conundrum, after all its a personal problem of internal strife and therefore with the best will in the world no one can advise me otherwise as I will second guess their motives and even assume an ulterior one when I get a moment to reflect. I guess I’ll just have to do whatever it was I did before, just have to try to remember what the hell that was, until then book three is very much a work soon to progress.

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Comments
  1. Roger Gooding says:

    Steve. Anne Perry a prolific author of fiction whose protagonists are usually two police officers each at a different time in the Victorian times and who is one of the few that I read, murdered her best friend’s mother when Anne was a teenager! She writes phenomenal murder stories!

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