The conundrum of personality and identity

Posted: February 22, 2016 in Mental Health
Tags: , , , , ,

I haven’t blogged for a while, and that’s to my detriment.  I was under the misapprehension that my words on a blog were defined and boundaried by my personality disorder and that anything I wrote about how I felt about other things was irrelevant. I now , after a long and painful period of realisation understand they are completely entwined and to try and comment on one is to deny the other.

The news in the past six months has been a constant wave of negative and sad stories that have covered everything from endemic child abuse, of which I am more than qualified to comment,  to biblical proportioned refugee and terrorism crisis. The political undercurrent in the UK and the many triggers that ensue from that have railed against my psyche too and all the while I have silenced myself, both in the physical/aural sense and literally , by which I actually mean literally, no writing about me , my opinions or feelings at all and the cost has been cumulative and high.

So that said where does one start after such a long period of silence and is it helpful to look back when there’s so much in front of you to concentrate the mind and trigger your issues? I cant answer that and the reason is quite simple, I have become so discombobulated my own opinions have fractured to the extent I am seriously questioning whether I have an Identity disorder on top of the PD, and I don’t do the “what have a I got now” thing so the very idea I have considered it is a big thing in truth.

I am tied to a single view of myself through my Borderline diagnosis, and that has been resolute even through treatment, If anything has changed its my ability to recognise that my resolution isn’t necessarily correct but it doesn’t change the fact I am as black and white in my thinking now as ever, I’m just better at negating the effects. So when I sit in my chair and ponder the days and weeks gone by why do I have such a conflicted view on almost all the events, I see the Middle East problems on so many different levels I cant decide where I stand, in the political mess of the Janner and Brittan situation I find myself angry that they are dead because I cant be sure of their guilt, and when it comes to such an abhorrent charge I need to be 100% as there is nothing I would hate more than being accused of such a thing.

I also have to survive within an environment where my own health condition is supposedly a higher priority than ever but in real terms is losing both services and funding for the few services that remain, how does a brain hardwired to see good and evil even begin to understand how one thing is good while the polar opposite is happening in tandem? I cant and there is the rub of it.

My silence has been damaging to myself and in some ways self inflicted as I knew in my heart I was harming my self, although my heart is very much a pump for blood and rarely gets a say in my life, yet I remained stoic and thumped my chest to show it was all good while disintegrating into myself.

I am planning on writing more often and maybe even attempting to add some of my humour back into things just to remind myself that naval gazing isn’t a proper pastime and that speaking, through words or out loud is as much a part of me as the ten other things going through my head.

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Comments
  1. Roger Gooding says:

    I recognise so much of this blog that it strikes me that I have no need to check in at group, you could do it for me! Life is shit and then you die!

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