A fascination with lamentation

Posted: April 11, 2015 in Mental Health

I went to the cinema yesterday, I went today too but on this particular day I watched the latest Fast and Furious film number 7 I believe and it got me thinking. Now I am not a big fan of cars or Vin Diesel’s brand of machismo but I enjoyed the last couple of films in the franchise and it was a very boring Thursday night so I thought “what the hell” and off I went.

I was aware of course that Paul Walker, one of main protagonists in these movies had died in the intervening period and that it would no doubt be addressed as some point, I was fortunate enough not to know whether he was alive when the film was finished and so as to avoid spoilers I wont go any further on the matter, suffice to say there was a touching piece at the end dedicated to Paul and I was left feeling sad about his passing when in fact I didn’t care too much at the time, a young man passing isn’t that unusual in my world and the fact he was rich and doing something he enjoyed at the time made it seem less sad. I know there are many who see him as a modern day James Dean who may read that and become infuriated but its the truth another dead actor was as much as I could raise at the time.
So anyway I did see the montage and hear the words and felt the palpable outpouring in the auditorium, it affected me and that says an awful lot about the power of the images and words. So as usual I had to look at the reasons this affected me, I was told to try this as so few things do and it may be a clue to how to open up a bit.
I know so many people who say they wish they were dead on a daily basis and admit that I feel the same on far too many days at the moment and yet if you asked I wouldn’t say I was depressed or suicidal at that time and from what is said my peers would agree, not all of them as some are very depressed but why, if not for suicidal reasons do so many of us seek our own deaths? and did that moment of shared sadness have a link?
I pondered on this and think it may be to do with the whole rejected/unloved element of PD that affects so many of us. If that seems a leap I’ll do my best to explain and make no claims as to being right , its a theory and it fascinated me enough to write it down.

I have often wondered whether anyone would really care if I was dead, not the tearful graveside lamenting that’s expected and duly received but long term. For instance if I wasn’t causing emotional distress whenever I got ill surely the rest of my family would hardly rue its absence and sooner rather than later they would forget about me. Its a theory I have heard so often from others in my situation and when heard from the other side we all automatically argue to the contrary and probably rightly so but it begs the question, if we could see the effects would we change our minds or would it just increase our desire to end it?
We are often described by others as attention seeking and I loathe to offer anything that could be seen as justification for that but does the whole outpouring of emotion over a lost loved one not seem like something we would like to feel? if we thought that the only way anyone would validate our existence would be after our death, and bearing in mind we aren’t really enjoying life enough to see that cost as too high, wouldn’t a bit of grieving and memorial service be preferable and vindication that we needed attention for the right reasons?
I know its a leap and I am not 100% about how I feel about this but what I do know is that in seeing what Paul walkers dedication did to the other movie goers and seeing something similar at the end of other films such as American Sniper I cannot say in all honesty there wasn’t a jealousy there. As sad and possibly abhorrent as that may sound I admit to being envious that their deaths made strangers react and I cant help wondering if mine would even affect those I know in any great sense and as I have found out more and more over the past five years I am not unique in my thinking, certainly amongst my peers.
I guess its just a question that cant be answered and shouldn’t need to be, maybe everyone thinks along these lines at some point and its just PD that makes me do so more often, I don’t know. I know that when I am depressed the feelings are far easier to understand than when I am wishing my life away without that bone crushing, life sapping emotional ache we all suffer when it kicks in. I would have argued until today that I had no real idea of what I wanted when I was laid to rest and yet I have left implicit instructions on how I want to be handled and its all low key and very unfussy, and yet if I didn’t care why would I have a plan at all?

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