PD or not PD that is the question.

Posted: April 8, 2015 in Mental Health

Anyone who claims they don’t envy the opportunity to use a Shakespeare pun as the title for their blog is a liar and its even better when its not just a pun.

I have been away for a weekend on the continent as a birthday treat and during my downtime many things came up that I was left pondering about, hence the title. (go on just admit its a doozy)
Firstly I inadvertently let my birthday out of the bag in my blog and then went with it, letting my community of friends know, which has led to some very interesting feelings about myself.
I was serenaded and given a lovely cake on the Thursday and where I would normally have made my excuses and left while it went on I found myself smiling at the gesture and, and this is really huge. enjoying the attention. Now for someone with PD to admit enjoying attention is a big thing, we’re so afraid of being called attention seekers we shy away from it but I’m feeling brave so yeah I liked it, I wouldn’t have agreed to it before hand but I was genuinely touched by it and something odd happened, I felt something.

Now the weekend started with this in mind and many FB messages wishing me a happy birthday still bouncing around my head I went away, a deliberate ploy to avoid any celebrating I couldn’t control, with something odd in my head, I have googled it and its called contentment apparently, a very common experience for the common man but I am nothing if not uncommon.
The weekend was all my plan and everything we did was according to my itinerary, which I set up in consultation with everyone else but ultimately got fed up of the “I don’t mind, whatever you think” so I ploughed my own furrow and did my age old , be damned if they don’t like it, thing. The weird bit was that everyone was genuinely really enjoying things and they were expressing it as we went along, in effect praising me and anyone who knows me will attest to the fact I despise praise of any kind, but I accepted it for what it was and plodded on.
Over the three days my purple patch of picking out good activities continued and the good feelings towards me increased, to the point I started to feel they were being disingenuous and started to look for the smirks I was sure would be following the kind words but none came.
In the end I started to become anxious about being the but of a joke that would be revealed at the end of the trip and my mood started to dip accordingly, albeit well hidden behind the mask all PD sufferers wear in public. There has thus far been no negative expressions and I have been lauded to my in laws for organising such a lovely weekend which is the opposite of what I expected, don’t get me wrong I enjoyed it too but I assume that if that’s true no one else would possibly agree so why I felt myself dropping was a mystery.

So in concurrence with this weekend of fun my little boy started to exhibit some strange symptoms of being unwell that upon our return turned out to be shingles, fair play to him his illness had no major effect on either his or anyone elses enjoyment of the weekend another thing I am now amazed at as I always thought if you were ill then everyone else was unhappy too ( very PD of me). Anyway I was physically done in by the time we boarded the ferry home, aching joints and low mood aside I felt drained and was concerned I was slipping downwards and the fear of falling into a depression is usually a catalyst for it actually happening, self fulfilling prophecy in other words. So I did what I thought was necessary and forced myself to dig deep and get on with things, as many will know that sometimes this is all that’s needed but as often as not it is futile so I was half hearted with my efforts and worried I was on a slippery slope.
I went to my group as usual and took the aching and general malaise as a sign of my mental health and physical condition working against me, as usual. Then I was given the news my sons had an illness that meant he wasn’t able to attend a meal I was having this weekend, and by default my wife would be at home with him too. I took the opportunity to cancel the event and for a short time didn’t think about any other effects his illness could have on me. I then pondered on whether I could have been feeling so crappy for a very good reason, a reason that, wait for it, had nothing to do with my PD, yes you read that correctly of no consequence or relation to my mental health, to say I was mind blown is an understatement.
So with this bombshell in mind I had my wife make some calls and do some research whilst I drove home and after a good deal of time we eventually worked out I probably don’t have shingles, which is good but in looking at what was wrong we managed to assess with some professional help that I was tired, they said exhausted but that’s just a bit of hyperbole, tired physically due to the walking and driving with poor sleep over the long weekend and also mentally because I spent the entire time leading up to my break planning and thinking about contingencies then went away and was so busy working out if I was doing the right thing for everyone I didn’t do the one thing I was told to doing these situations, you know the obvious thing? enjoy the moments as they happened.
So, long and protracted story over I took a day, today in fact and have slept in until almost noon and awoken feeling markedly better, I’ve done sod all since waking and I do mean sod all and genuinely feel better for it, so all good right? well you’d think so and I’m not complaining about feeling better but as a result of resting and doing a bit of reflection I have discovered that all my worrying and anxiety were for nothing and just like everyone else my brain and body require rest to function, so in answer to my initial question I guess its not PD which is for some reason left me feeling odd, which is something of a revelation as any feeling is welcome these days.

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