Dude a whole year has gone by, what gives??

Posted: January 2, 2015 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

I am not insane, technically no one is as the classification isn’t valid in the real world anymore but even if it was I’m not. I have mental health problems but the word problem is the key word, every problem has a solution so having one is kind of a positive right?

If you take this premise to its eventual end then people who don’t have a mental health problem are in deficit surely? after all you if don’t know something’s wrong then how can you fix it or defend against it. So having established my sanity and heightened your knowledge of the world of mental health “problems” I make my point which is I am as I right quite literally off my head, not drunk or high but off my head in the sense that I cannot work out what its doing or why.

This could frighten folks, either those reading this or those who see me around and wonder what’s going on in my head but it shouldn’t because I have a plan and that plan is tried and tested, tested to near destruction in fact. I have named my current condition, even given it an acronym in keeping with the medical model used for mental health problems by the medical types, you know the ones, Psychiatrists, psychotherapists and practice nurse and GP’s. I call it LSF, catchy right? it stands for Lunatoid Self Righteous, a catchier name than BPD or Schizophrenia I think you’ll agree.

My issue at the moment isn’t the condition, in fact that’s what keeping me going, no its the fact I am a year older and seemingly ten years in deficit intellectually and I happen to feel quite angry about that right now. My lunatoidness (new word just invented) is difficult to describe as its so contradictory and normal minds struggle with this, those who have been there will recognise it straight away though.

I have opinions on everything like many people with an intellect, unlike the majority though I don’t have the same opinion consistently and this also manifests as 180 degrees switches in attitude at very short notice and that’s where the lunacy starts. I am not a hypocrite, far from it because I firmly believe in what I’m fighting for or against to the complete exclusion of the opposing argument or position right up until my position changes, usually in a heartbeat. To most this sound more hypocritical than anything that’s gone before it but I stand by my self because I don’t lose any faith in one argument when I switch sides, I just see it differently for the period that my lunacy is in place, a devils advocate 2.0 if you will.

Now with the lunacy comes the aftermath of self righteousness of my new argument, again this can itself switch with out notice and that’s a very testing day for those around me and they experience nothing in real terms in comparison to my internal dialogue. I don’t wish to elicit sympathy or understanding, in fact understanding would be nigh on impossible but serve to explain my internal struggle and where this has left me at the butt end of a terrible year, a chasm of strife that I am teetering above as the new year starts.

If I continue in my current vein of thought I wont make it to next December, much less January and if that sounds scary to you , chillax. I have intended checking out every year since 1991 and if your maths are as good as your reading you’ll see my record is pretty shoddy regardless of the system you employ to gauge it. So chance are I’ll make it but my issue is how? I don’t even know if I want to die this year but in this moment I know that Chaos reigns supreme and while the battle between my lunacy and self preservation rolls on I am losing track of time and life in general, so much so that last years 12 months seems to have moulded into a set of seasons lasting anywhere between 6 months and a few days. Winter lasted until April but felt like it went on for a year in itself and then spring just disappeared, deaths and turmoil took them from me, Summer was a short wait for a holiday that sped by so fast it barely happened. Autumn came fast and didn’t stop, soon enough the year was ending and finding space to breath was hard let alone think and solve the problems as they appeared, even as I write I can see January’s end racing towards me.

So in the hope of keeping this for prosperity I write and report that I am Steve Goldsack, I’m 44 and I have BPD, PTSD, Diabetes and LSR and not much time to think about it in this present time.


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