An enigma wrapped in a puzzle or just an onery git?

Posted: October 29, 2014 in Mental Health

I am not in any way a delusional demi god or even a megalomaniac; I say this because I have a similarity to the monotheist version of God; that is I move in mysterious ways. By mysterious I qualify this by saying I am not enigmatic per se, to those looking on I appear straight forward and some might say predictable but the truth is much harder to nail down.
I am a mystery to the person who supposedly should be most adept at reading me, in that I mean, well, me. My wife will back me up completely as will the few people who have been granted knowledge of my inner workings and I pity those few. I can say one thing sincerely whilst thinking the exact opposite and not be lying while I do so. That is an opinion I hear you say but it’s true, honestly. I live with a slow and all-consuming argument going on eternally in my mind, no matter how trivial the subject I will be either completely for it or entirely against it on the surface whilst thinking the exact opposite for a period of time concurrently.
To illustrate my point I will use politics as it is the most extreme I am prepared to write about. I grew up in a deprived are of London under Thatcher’s hard-nosed social policies. They directly affected my childhood from the education system to the policing of the estate I existed on, I can’t say I grew up or lived there I like everyone else there merely survived. I should be as anti-Maggie as anyone yet I am not, far from it in fact and I can’t rationally explain why because it was a Labour stronghold in Lambeth and my educators and adult influences were staunchly Labour and the kicker for me is the only person I heard say anything positive about the conservatives was the one person I hated entirely, my mother.
So I am blue to the core and in varying degrees right wing depending on the current affairs and life’s tribulations. This may be odd but hardly damning except I have the deepest sense of social conscience of almost anyone I know. I understand the position of the “left” and in my actions and words could be mistaken for being of that persuasion, and yet nothing could be further from my mind. I am a hard right left winger and it doesn’t take a great leap to see how that might not be an ideal situation for deep sleep and social comfort.
Someone in our group spoke about being able to see both sides of things very clearly and even been described as the most reasonable person in her family, this is a woman who suffers from her PD terribly and feels unworthy of a listening to so it’s a stretch to imagine that and yet I get it 100% and know the complications it causes. My wife often shouts that I don’t back her up when she does something wrong, as a husband I am apparently bound by an unwritten code of full support whether right or wrong, that’s what other husbands do? It would be so easy in theory to just nod when she rants or bibs an errant, in her eyes, motorist but I can’t say something is wrong if I know it isn’t.
She does, in quieter moments appreciate the fact I am being honest and knows when she is in the right I will back her to the hilt but she still gets frustrated because some time she is expressing views she has heard me utter herself and sees my switcharoo as deliberately antagonistic, which causes all manner of rows about everything from the justice system and immigration to X Factor. The relational issues my PD causes would make a list that is long as it is diverse but I get some of them, we were brought up differently, the family values we endured, not a kind word but an honest one were poles apart so we are bound to differ but its when she feels we are in agreement and I still manage to not only disagree but frame my argument in terms she struggles to dispute that sets the real fireworks off.
I would love to be able to bite my lip, not just with the wife and to a degree my children but in any situation but I cant. Worse is the fact that the harder I try the louder the discourse in my head and the likelihood of saying anything that comes to fore of my mind is a possibility. An example is when we talk about the austerity measures that have been so damaging to the lives of my peers and myself. You would think I couldn’t look at some of the people its hurt most without being completely sure it was wrong, in a PD world the good or evil, black and white thinking should make this easy but it doesn’t. I get why it’s happening and appreciate the situation the country is in so while I am offering reassurance that the system is crap and the Tories and Liberals are heartless bastards that need replacing I know in my heart that it would actually make everything twice as bad and the upheaval of change would be worse than the very darkest days we are already experiencing. I can and do bite my tongue if necessary although the beauty of the people I work alongside is I can express both views without being called a hypocrite too often as they too have their contrasting thoughts and it is this single piece of support that has the deepest most profound effect on my wellbeing.
I do move in mysterious ways, my motives and behaviours may be odd and very often challenging for myself at least but others too and yet the proximity of my peers allows me to be as honest as I ever will be which sounds like an oxymoron, partially honest, but it works for now and that will do, so long as my peers don’t mind of course.


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