A shotgun to remove a tumour?

Posted: September 24, 2014 in Mental Health

Its an emotive title to a simple blog but its all about sales with blogs right?

The idea behind the title is a simple metaphor for my behaviours, an ineloquent image that I think demonstrates how PD can change simple life experiences into painful memories that then themselves evolve into outbursts of aggression and rage that mars my life and that of anyone around enough to care.

The Bowlby theorists will spout about attachment theory and the Freudians will have their own ideas too but essentially it comes down to a young mind being damaged by events, actions or omissions that then cause that child to grow into a damaged adult.

In my own situation I took a single person who was female, almost incidentally in my opinion. I took my anger, righteous as it was and used the entire gender as my sounding board. I am not alone in this, people with a traumatic history often rail against a generalised version of the villain and because our development was such we carried on within our confused and uncertain minds, and probably always would without the interventions of treatments.

I am fortunate in the fact I was controlled enough that I never crossed the invisible line between confused misogynist and woman beater, I say I was fortunate and I know that sounds odd, the women in my life were the lucky ones to some but I think they knew better than me what I could do and what I would.

That said I was angry even without knowing it and resistant to care as it was often offered by women who I was intrinsically programmed to distrust and even hate without any evidence as to their real character. So what I did, unconsciously I honestly believe, was to be constantly on edge and ready for rejection and treachery from half the population of the world I lived in. I believe that I would have preferred to have been gay back then, I was attracted to women yet unable to connect with them on anything other than a superficial level, I wanted sex as any teen would and I learned very quickly to mask my emotions in order to allow me to interact with women.

The reality of PD is that almost all of us put on a mask at some point, either to hide our fears or hatred to disguise the insecurity and vulnerability we feel and when this façade is challenged we react in a fearfully violent manner. Now violence sounds like we may be dangerous and for some of us that could be said to be true but the violence wrought by most is entirely aimed at themselves and is regarded as the worst and most stigmatising element of our condition.

Self harm isn’t exclusive to PD but in my experience 90 or more % of people suffering display some kind of evidence of either overt self harm that they cannot hide or a more insidious internal harming that they will somehow deny is even damaging, I myself bear few scars on my body from injuries inflicted by myself but I know that my body is plagued with failing organs that have borne the brunt of a neglectful harm that I can and will deny ever happened and I am far from alone in this, we sometimes point out the obvious issues with smoking and to some this comparison negates their behaviours but it is the truth they know themselves that matters not the story they tell to hide it.

My self destructive and aggressive behaviours were always well hidden by the society I lived in and the values people put on aggression, the anger I felt wasn’t named or directed so to the young man I was becoming it was justified, why I felt the need to pick fights I couldn’t in theory win was never questioned, it was a hardness that my peers loved me for and the fact I was bright, eloquent and poetic when not involved in squabbles was never questioned or examined.

My fear/hatred of the fairer sex was also well hidden even from myself and the destructive way I managed relationships eased for periods and this allowed for love, or the comparative emotion I imagined this word described to burgeon. I was living the way I imagined I was expected to and distracted by life I managed to convince everyone, especially myself that I was merely immature back then and the new me was a hard working man with family values but it was a charade and to my chagrin it fell apart in a manner that most people with PD will recognise. The illogical behaviours and unseen wounds of paranoid distrust that destroy far too many relationships that could and probably would have flourished if we had the tools to enjoy them.

I then did as this blogs title suggests, reacted and raged. This wasn’t a constant thing but very episodic and therefore very difficult to identify without hindsight. I had a hated within me that couldn’t be assuaged and the reality was I was still blind to the fact that my hatred towards a single woman was being enacted against an entire gender, in essence a shotgun to destroy something like an atom. In my case the atom was cancerous, as it lived and grew so did my anger and the behaviours grew too, often without notice.

I am now post treatment obviously a better person and knowing that I had behaved in such a way today is nothing short of shameful, if I was able to experience guilt as I understand it I would have no doubt taken my life in true Japanese style for honour. As it is I live on and try as hard as possible to help others, my motives are not even clear to me but one thing I do know is that almost all the fellow PD sufferers I meet are in some way doing the same thing.

I know that tumours have many solutions, lasers, radiation and radiotherapy and not all of them are safe or successful but what I do know is that taking a shotgun to them can never be right, took me ten years to work it out and I may have already done to much damage but that doesn’t mean it has to happen for everyone.

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