Flip It??

Posted: July 7, 2014 in Mental Health

Having an condition is hard I guess, pregnancy isn’t a bundle of laughs for instance and I can vouch that Diabetes and asthma as shitty too. That said Personality Disorder does come with a very select group of downsides that are ultimately what the condition is all about.

Negative thinking, Paranoia, suicidal ideation and fear of rejection are just a few of the doozy’s we are lumbered with and that’s on the good days. I have been under the yoke of this melee of painful feelings along time and at certain times they have nearly broken my spirit, they have certainly damaged it over the years and yet on other occasions I can transcend all this and function like a person, yeah a real person no kidding.

I am now very aware that as I am running peers support group I should try and keep myself well enough to offer something to the groups by way of aspiration, I don’t and cant inspire because that would be narcissistic and that’s bad but I do believe that anyone with PD can run a group when they are well enough and this means trying to even out my days, at least the ones I am performing on and this takes a few tricks to manage.

I flip things, literally turn them over and try and look at them from the opposing side and to a degree this works brilliantly. albeit temporarily. So with the negative thought I take whatever they are trying to tell me and see if I cant think the other way, for instance I am fat, not American style fat but big for an Englishman and this gets me down at times, thoughts like “Your too slow and old to be any use” or “You’ll have a heart attack before you get any of those tasks done” are a sample of the cruel things my own mind says to me. I have of course taken these on board before and done the traditional beat myself up routine but now I look at it with a grin I don’t get to run around very much anymore, partly by choice but also because I am too big, one good thing about that I don’t get sticthes. Now a stitch may seem like a trivial thing but if you still get them you’ll know that they are extremely painful and totally impossible to alleviate, they come and go as they please, well not anymore. I struggle to bend to do up my laces these days due to my rotund gut, a bitch I’m sure you’ll agree but I just buy slip-ons and there are some excellent designs out there that are actually regarded as cool so its another win for me.

When I get paranoid I could fall in on myself, still do some times but nowadays I see it as being vigilant and keeping myself safe. Where some people might wander around aimlessly into dangers I am hyper vigilant and keeping not only myself but everyone I am associated with safe too, I’m like a super hero right?

The suicidal ideations are harder to flip but I manage it, look at it this way if I go to the doctors with a complaint what’s the worst that can happen? Imagine being in a situation where words like Cancer or heart disease hold no fear whatsoever, I don’t want them but if I did contract them I would be dead and that’s pretty much a score for the suicidal side of me without the stigma of suicide and the family might be upset but nothing compared to the guilt that goes along with a suicide.

This might seem macabre but its a way of looking at things that takes the edge off of them, eases the transition into a way of being that is all bad by negating the badness for a while, that short while could be long enough to overcome it entirely.

Changing small things about the negative stuff leads on to big things I have found. I have laughed aloud when things that might have alarmed me before have come up just because I flipped the way I saw them. This isn’t about convincing yourself of a lie but moving the goalposts of what hurts and thus far its doing a job for me, it might not be a cure for all ills but for now I’ll see what comes along and if anyone wants any advice on how to do this then drop me a line.


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