Posted: July 4, 2014 in Mental Health

I am something of an enigma, emotionally speaking and this makes life difficult for people around me I’m sure but as hard as it may be for everyone else I can guarantee its a hell of a lot worse my end.

I would say I feeling angry these days but that’s like saying the Sahara is tepid and not wet, I have no word to describe the frenzied level of aggression and distress I am suffering right now but furious is as close a word as I can muster, even this makes me angrier, I write for f**ksake and still don’t have the vocabulary to describe this emotion.

What I can do is try and put across the feelings by breaking them down, like a wall made of a number of bricks, each one is bad alone but together the wall they build is pain and anger incarnate. Firstly there is the self hatred, this ones not too hard to bring to life. I know that I am capable of more than I have done, I could be stronger, fitter and wiser and this makes me feel worthless and a failure, nit just at myself for failing but everyone who allowed me to cop out, or worse convinced me what I had done was sufficient. This worthlessness makes my bones ache with terror and anger, the back of my head feels like two fists are being forced together and the aching this causes raises my ire and lowers my threshold for annoyance to zero.

The second brick is injustice, I have been the victim of injustice my entire life it seems and the agents of this have either died or fallen from grace leaving me with nothing other than the desire for revenge and no one to avenge myself against, I live with the knowledge that my education was marred by other peoples disinterest, my emotional growth was then retarded by others who thought nothing of it, this wasn’t even directly attacking me I was collateral damage and for this there is no recourse, knowing this but feeling every injustice freshly on a daily basis only riles me up further.

Then comes my place in the world, I am not an only child but seem to be as many think I must be , those that know me but didn’t think to ask assume I spent my childhood amongst inappropriate friends because I had no choice, I am one of 7, the middle one even if you set aside my step brother and sister, which I wont there was 5 of us but I don’t seem to have passed the initiation required to be in the family and this is no coincidence that I have a PD, its pretty much suspect number 1. If I was so fortunate to have been around siblings for my formative years why am I lone wolf to those who know me as a cousin, my closest relationships are with my Canadian cousins who I love and admire for their tight knit ways and their acceptance of me and my young family without a second thought. even that wonderful family only serves to highlight the sadness and anger that my own causes me, and the fact I cant go to them probably made my condition a lot worse, who would be enraged by that?

Loneliness plays a huge part in what is happening and the fact I cannot find a space to be alone whilst feeling as isolated in the company of my family and friends as if I were on a Nordic ice field. I crave solitude whilst fearing loneliness and this constant tension evokes strong and aggressive feelings that are impossible to quell.

The biggest of the issues is my need to exhaust myself physically whilst unable to do so, my weight has gained because of increasing amounts of life saving medication so my fitness is nil, when I feel my shoulders tighten and the back of my head crushes in on itself I cant even punch a wall or stamp around like the angry bear I imagine I resemble. I am forced by my inability to act and the need to hide my feelings from the people I am sworn to protect, even from myself and this leads to frustration that is forever increasing with little other than my writing to dissipate the negative energies firing the red hot, almost volcanic level of angst, if I could calm down long enough to think about it I would find the exact word to describe what this is in a single phrase, until the stay away and hope things sort themselves out.

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