A reckoning, again.

Posted: January 28, 2014 in Uncategorized

I am 43 soon to be 44 years old, I am 6 ft. tall and weight about 16st 7 lbs. on average. I am A died in the wool South Londoner with a big love for Chelsea FC, The New England patriots and shooting people with bb’s in woods and fields. I shave my head when I am able to and wear a grizzly beard/stubble in the colder months all of which make me easily identifiable and stand out in a group when I want to, I also have the ability to disappear from the attention of the said same people.

I say the proceeding to identify myself as a big , balding guy who has the ability to intimidate , something I have had minor fame for in my old life. This old life is so far removed from the one I now exist within that I have to express the difference as fully as I can just to realise the truth myself.

So the external parts of me are as listed, I have been smaller in terms of weight but the height and obvious strength I possess have set me apart from anyone I needed to in the past and the extra weight could make the whole “big scary bloke” persona work even better.

The truth is I have an Emotionally unstable personality, or for the purists among you a borderline personality with traits of anti social, narcissistic and various other undesirable traits that have blighted my life and that of so many others over the past ten years or so.

If you are diligent and aware I have said I have a personality blighted by these traits but not used the word disorder in this account  of my problem, that word is one added to everything I have by professionals to explain away the dark parts of my behaviours and emotions. Dis-Order suggests just one side to an issue and this side is all bad, that the condition itself is without any positives and the silver lining in our lives is our short painful existence.

I can see from the outside people without the insight might see that as a given, surely PD is an entirely bad thing and permanently so? Well for some I’m sure that’s so and I would never claim to the contrary but I am slowly (very slowly as my age would suggest) that I have some positive aspects of myself that wouldn’t have existed without the negative.

I have the ability to show deep insight into emotions, not necessarily my own unfortunately but I do somehow have the capacity to understand others and usually the ability to verbalise them for those less able to do so. I see this as a result of living within a therapeutic community although others have pointed to a longer tradition I have maintained, not sure as my  memory is addle by medication.

I have the capacity to withstand very strong reactions and feeling in people and  soothe them without diminishing the person who is expressing them, I can employ logic without making someone in high emotional stress feel talked at, I don’t know how this works and I don’t see it in many others but I am able to step back and think about explanations that will suit the victim of this horrible situation and its not just around PD or mental health it exists around “normal” people too. My eternal chagrin is that I have yet to experience anyone who can do the same for me but I live in hope that Karma will prevail one day and it will happen.

My creative abilities have increased vastly in the years following my diagnosis and that  ( if I was willing to believe the compliments which I’m not) has brought pleasure to many people who enjoy my books and also allow me to escape from the confines of my existence, as therapeutic as any talking therapies at times.

I have used my own abilities in this post but I would say that many of my peers in the PD world are as amazing as anyone I have met elsewhere, their talents are also as varied as anyone could imagine. To be honest mental health patients in general seem to have access to a more creative pathway and one thing I would say for 100% certainty without any possibility of being contradicted is the nicest people I have ever met are mental health patients of some sort and the community itself is a constant source of amazement in their generosity of spirit.

I guess all I am saying in this laborious post is that the D in isn’t always appropriate in describing me, or anyone else with the condition and far from being an entirely lost cause in terms of abilities and talent we as a demographic are not bereft.

  1. magicallymad says:

    I couldn’t agree more that we are gifted with creativity, empathy & oftentimes, insight. Glad you can observe some of the positives in your condition. XO

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