Growth??

Posted: August 5, 2013 in Mental Health

Now growth is rarely a good thing for me, its normally either my waistline or debt that grows and everything else just shrinks before them.

I may seem slightly trivial in my example of growth but for me there was a deeper meaning and I’ll try and explain as I go. Anyone who knows me will have certain things about me they all recognise. I am very blokeish, funny most of the time, I love Chelsea football club and my kids and I love to go to the cinema. I always get asked what films I’ve seen recently and the joke always come around to some of the crap I’ve sat through. This might seem silly but I was literally incapable of leaving a film regardless of how bad it is and I could never explain why.

Last night I finally got to the point where I realised that no one was keeping me in my seat, that there was no recrimination that kept me watching crap long after I knew it was thus and I got up and walked out after half an hour. If you’re interested it was “only god forgives” I wont go into detail but if I was you I wouldn’t bother.

Now I left and apart from upsetting a young lady by asking her to move so I could get by no one was interested and nothing bad happened. Like I said this may seem pretty small beans to most but for me it was truly epic. I have a stubborn streak in me that has cost me thousands of pounds and god knows what else in terms of my health and well being and that streak ended yesterday.

When I entered therapy I thought my iron will that meant I would never miss a day was a good thing, I managed to get to my group every single day regardless of weather or illness and I felt this deserved recognition, I now know why they never mentioned it and I agree wholeheartedly with that decision but at the time I was doing it entirely for my own purposes although I wasn’t aware then of what was going on.

I have so often promised people to be somewhere for some reason that has been detrimental to me, my pocket or anything else that I have a reputation as being staunch amongst many groups. If one of my friends was in trouble I would step in for them, without really knowing the whole story I would fight for them back them up to people I really shouldn’t have been banging heads with and if there was anything financial I could help with I was there. I was a rescuer plain and simple but not consciously, I imagined I was secretly going about my business and the fact people came to me was a choice of last resort, I now understand the opposite to be true.

Now getting up and leaving an appalling film and looking at my position as the local stalwart may seem a stretch but they are linked. I was sitting there last nigh, ten minutes in and wanting to leave but something kept me there for a further twenty or so minutes and its the same mental state that has bought me so much trouble and made me into a man who hates compliments and recognition that does everything required of me to attract such interest.

I am not saying last night was an epiphany but it was the start of a change, a subtle difference in my thought process that could change things for the people around me who rely on my good will. I am not saying I will withdraw my services but I wont knock myself out helping anyone anymore unless they are important enough for me to do so. O have worked a full night shift only to have a half hours sleep and go and help the school out, I was dead on my feet, that wont happen again. If I cant get somewhere because I am busy I wont juggle everything t get things done in time I will say something I should have said years, nay decades ago NO.

I am hardly a stranger to the word but clearly I used it sparingly and in the wrong circumstances or at least not in the right ones and hopefully after yesterdays change I will start to use the word more often, I cant say it will be a massive change to anyone else unless you wanted a favour I haven’t got time for, then in that case I am sorry but you can guess my answer.

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