Self awareness for sale, new in box never used.

Posted: July 27, 2013 in Mental Health

I Know how I come across, not necessarily on the blog but in person and that depends very much on the circumstances you are meeting me.

As I have eluded to I am a big lad, less of me than there used to be but still built for comfort over speed although that’s deceptive. I am quite gruff with strangers and deliberately don’t open up unless I take to someone, I am blessed with so many great friends I don’t need any more so I am hardly the most effusive person when I am first introduced. That said ones I decide I like someone I change and become quite funny , sarcastic and rude in equal measure, I was accused of flirting once which I was taken aback by but in truth I am just being rude for fun, not sex talk rude just personal observations, I am very self effacing too so it works somehow.

So in person you may get either the reticent me who seems quite brooding and even possibly malevolent but if we are acquainted you might see the comedian, even be shocked by my sense of humour. The truth is that neither is very real, well that’s being a tad unfair they are real in the moment but its not me, who I really am under the bravado and brooding but I cant really explain why that’s the case and I would love to.

I don’t get me, and that is a straight forward sentence that may seem odd but I try so hard to get whats going on around me that I am unaware of myself, and more importantly the act I put on. I get the diagnosis, BPD is not the issue with me I have become very adept at spotting the traits in others and even developed a version of tact that allows me to say the hard stuff to friends without hitting their triggers, some would even say I was empathetic towards people with mental health problems in general and PD in particular.

That said I am still left lacking confidence in my abilities and shy away from compliments on my volunteering efforts because I am so sure that I would look at someone doing what I do and wonder what they were doing it for? why would anyone go out of their way to help someone? and that suspicious nature means I cannot believe that everyone isn’t thinking the same of me. I take this into my writing too, if someone likes my book I cant accept it for the right reasons , I assume its platitudes meant to appease me in some way, and I probably always will have that nagging doubt about my readers until I get critiqued by a professional and even then if its positive I’ll assume they know about my PD and mean good for a nutter not good in general.

My reason for writing this was so trivial as to be almost forgotten in the need to write about it. I was preparing to sit down to eat the salad my wife and I had just made, I am not a salad kind of guy but three stone lost means I should be and I do like the constituent parts so I was happy enough as I pushed my laptop away from my spot at the dining table.

No somewhere between me getting my dinner and reading something on the internet I changed, and by change I mean almost intrinsically, I was “happy” enough whatever that means to me , looking forward to eating and sharing a few moments with my son a the table before the wife joined us, good honest family time I really treasure because at my darkest I imagined this could never happen again. When I changed I felt it physically, a goose bump creating chill of recognition that things had shifted in some way. I still don’t know what the trigger was, something my son said, an article on the website I had in front of me, a comment from my wife I really don’t know but it shocked me to know I could be bowled over so easily, that my defences weren’t real and that set a new fear up within me.

If my self awareness is so depleted as to be useless then how do I protect myself, family and friends let alone the vulnerable people I work alongside from the truly horrible person that sits behind these blues eyes. I was out of sorts for a very short period of time, a few minutes only but that’s plenty of time for me to cause mayhem, to loose my temper over nothing or be verbally abusive, and believe me when I say I can cause far more injury with my tongue than my fists, as adept as they are at harming others as they are.

I have kind of ignored these episodes in the past because they come at times when I am feeling down or angry, righteously usually but now this has shaken me because I was pleased with my efforts for dinner and chatting with my son wasn’t too hard tonight, not always the case I accept but this evening was ok. Nothing else to be said on this really, I suppose I need to develop some awareness that can be relied on but where does one get that from?

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