Welcome to the thrill ride

Posted: July 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

I call it the super spiral, twisting rotating rollercoaster ghost train of death, catchy and mine so no stealing it. This particular ride is always available, there is no queue and photos aren’t recommended , I’ve got some from mine and they ain’t my best.

Everyone who has ever joined this thrill ride has their own version of a name, it is merely a way of explaining the weird and violent thoughts in the mind of a PD sufferer. I am drawn to this subject today because I am embarking on my journey to enlighten others about PD and in doing this I will have to attempt to explain, in laymen terms what it really is.

I am a member of a group with the grand title of “Experts by experience” and I am repulsed by the idea that anyone , with or without mental health problems can set someone up as an expert based on just their experience, even if has been long and troubled. I am not in real terms an expert on my own experiences as I was elsewhere for huge parts of my problems , I know and speak to lots of people who also have PD in this I regard myself as truly fortunate as I get to hear from them and it underlines just how complicated this PD thing really is.

When asked recently about the feelings experienced when in an episode I tried to relay that thoughts and feelings blur, what you think is a thought is in actual fact a feeling, a very strong one at that and thoughts do not get through when in this situation so I am being dragged along by emotions that have no place in the context they are and thinking I am doing the best job of managing them at the same time. This in itself is a vignette at best of what goes on, after all I have so many kinds of issues that are often contradictory and I truly feel for anyone who has to work with me when I am unwell, my family have largely been shielded by my wife so I can only imagine the stress that must have caused.

As it seems that PD is starting to be regarded in similar ways to other more “serious” mental health conditions I am both encouraged and fearful of what may happen. I am a BPD sufferer and I cant define the disorder, and clearly that’s no litmus test of how complicated it is but I am relatively smart and stable right now and I struggle with the label. If they start to cluster the diagnosis then how will they make their decisions, I cannot stress enough how changeable I can be even when stable, how I am on waking is no reflection of what I will be like over breakfast and as the day goes on I am flitting from one attitude/persona to another if it sounds tiring that’s because it is but its life and I am so fortunate with my support structures that I can pretty much carry on as I do without too much interference.

I suppose my fear is based on the fact we are pigeon holed on the basis of a short conversation with a professional and what happens to those poor souls who try and put on a brave, “I’m fine now thanks” façade , the practitioner may accept that and off they go to cause themselves more harm , or the other side of the coin, a patient is having a very paranoid day, not unusual when they know they are seeing a hated authority figure, if they rave and rant then they could be wrongly given a diagnosis of Anti social personality disorder which is the death knell of their care because it seems the only people I have met willing to work with someone with that diagnosis is with the forensic field.

I know that I could be put into any of the many categories , indeed I have been diagnosed with so many versions of different disorders that it is clear that in trying to throw more attention on the disorder they may attract more problems as the professionals use the convenient methods of vox pop diagnosis and then know that the new services will take the strain. If they do end up with more people getting diagnosed with either the wrong presentation or a PD when they haven’t got one the service will falter under the weight of service users.

The plus side is that with all the attention may come some understanding on a broader scale, if everyone I spoke to then speaks to someone else in a positive way then the ripple effects could become huge, there are hundreds of others all over the country doing the same as me and if each time they get a ripple it extends and improves to the point the real aims become possible. That being PD sufferers feel respected and cared for , as relevant as other more traditional diagnosis.

I suppose  I wont know what the results will be, and if I’m honest its probably way too big a question for anyone let alone someone with the thought process’s I am subject to.. On the huge plus side is I am not in anyway nervous about my new endeavour, fifteen complete strangers in a room awaiting my delivery of the training isn’t causing me the smallest consternation and when I entered treatment I was so nervous of meeting anyone on any level that I would have feigned a problem and avoided everything.

I may come home tomorrow with my tail between my legs but I am not worried about that, I have learned to accept the small stuff as part of life and maybe I should try and do that for the big stuff too, maybe but I guess I’ll have to wait and see.



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