fear of success??

Posted: June 19, 2013 in Mental Health

Things are going ok, not great but also not entirely shit so I have to say I cannot complain right now. To many with a PD this situation is something close to nirvana, we usually have a realistic expectation of what our life can be and ok is the high spot.

In saying this things are ok more in one area than others and this then leads me to judge the semantics of the word. does a really ok situation become good? and by saying that am I exceeding my own expectations, a situation I cannot even begin to think about.

You may wonder why and I can see its not exactly a sensible way of thinking, not that I ever claimed to have sensibility in my locker. Well I am aware that things have fallen apart in my life whenever I have peaked, my greatest fall came after my most successful period professionally, I was covered in wealth and good health, hubris was never an issue but I could have been forgiven for having some and then bang a great big kick in the bollocks courtesy of the BPD merry go round. This has been a theme and I think anyone who has experienced it will understand.

This has limited my options in terms of the future, I can strive to reach old circumstances, reach the pinnacle and maybe even achieve the potential I had shown back then but the risk that I wouldn’t only repeat the successes but failures too means I limit myself to expectations that seem low for some but to me are achievable and safe two things I have to have.

So here I am doing “ok” and thinking I have just about achieved my goals which were very straight forward. I wrote my book, then a sequel and published them both, my friends have copies in their bookshelves and if I departed this world tomorrow my prose will remain forever in the world of fiction. Some have questioned my ambition in not spending big money marketing the books or chasing a deal, they have generously offered to help and cannot see why I am baulking at the chance. The reason is simple I have no one to be beholden to as long as it just me and my laptop, my readers are inspiration enough to continue with my work so why put unrequired pressure on that.

My other “success is the work I do within the PD field in Kent. I have two groups set up with a third on the cards and I deliver training on PD awareness for the local foundation trust, it is stressful at times but well worth it and I feel that I have managed to remove expectation entirely from my “career” and this feels ok. Now comes to crux.

I am fortunate enough to be respected for my work and the well regarded by the professionals who see my ability to communicate with them and their clients as a boon to them and myself. If they could only understand that its not a skill , the trick is to remember that everyone is a person and therefore easy to speak to on any level. That said the world of PD is changing fast and there are opportunities on the horizon for people in my position to get paid work, I am not saying I am guaranteed employment but I certainly could expect to be considered for these roles and that’s my worry.

I have spoken about this to my wife and she is proud of my achievements, even though I don’t see them as such and when I spoke about working for a living in this field she was pleased and worried and this heightened my sense of foreboding. I would love to say I can work, that I can get up everyday I am needed to and will be there to help my peers, that would be great and I think working in this field, a thing I had said was never going to happen, would be rewarding and something I could indeed be proud of.

But I am what I am and the reliability factor would always be an issue and I know the thought of letting someone down is hard for me, the fact they will be PD sufferers would exacerbate that thinking and then the lose of earning would kill me off. this is hypothetical thinking right now and timing isn’t great but what if these opportunities are one time only deals and I sit here next year bored and unfulfilled  for the most part, will that cause more harm than just taking a leap of faith could cause?

I am in an internal conversation with my worst critic and it should be a long painful one, watch this space I guess.

  1. Mandi says:

    Good luck with your difficult decision!

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