Dyaln gets it wrong again

Posted: June 13, 2013 in Mental Health

Times they are a changing, Bob Dylan sang once upon a time and maybe back then they were but for me they are a repeating.

I strive to replace the bad old ways with new better ones, where before I was stagnant and immoveable I tried to become flexible and dynamic, and I thought, foolishly, I had moved forward. What I didn’t take into consideration is the enemy of all my good works, the sinister villain with whom I am at odds and how careful and conniving he is.

You might ask why I still engage in this game of cat and mouse if it isn’t working for me, forget the bad guy, ignore him and move forward at my own pace but he isn’t so easily dismissed, unfortunately he is as smart if not smarter than me and far more patient. My enemy is myself of course and try as I might to beat it I find myself going around in circles.

I suppose I should feel happier that the circles are bigger than they used to be, the gaps between my bad times are longer and this in theory at least gives me a better quality of life but reality isn’t so cheery. I have spoken before about the backward ticking clock and the feeling of impending doom and I struggle to enjoy the good days because I see them as a precursor of bad ones to come, I don’t relax and enjoy for fear that as good as any day can be will only be obliterated from memory by a much worse one, the theory of relativity coming into play as it were.

So what’s to be done? I can stifle the capacity to enjoy for fear of triggering an equal and opposite reaction i.e. a very bad day or carry on trying and damn the consequences. I am working very hard to create a niche for myself in life, using the skills I have learnt and those I was blessed with to build a persona I can manage and feel is worthwhile, albeit in a field I swore I would never involve myself in, mental health.

Problem is I am at the whim of so many others that I cannot handle it, people cancel meetings or training and I am thrown, and the more often it happens the further I fall. I need to be occupied if I am to withhold the darker side of myself so I endeavour to make myself busy, to the point I fear I am too busy and then out of nowhere my plans are dashed by no shows or new policy’s of organisations I am not affiliated with.

This all must seem very dreary and negative and I suppose I cannot argue that it isn’t but I writing it down I hope I am exorcising some of that negativity , by reading it back to myself I will see the errors in my thoughts and find solace and maybe even some inspiration for myself which in itself would a positive thing, right?

At the very least I have recorded my feelings for prosperity and when I am a publishing sensation with a thriving practice in peer mentoring I will look back and laugh at this blog, or more likely long after I’m gone someone will read this and see how difficult it can be to have BPD even when you are effectively one of the more stable sufferers.


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