I am not a naysayer, doom and gloom merchant or miserable git, well not normally. Problem I have is I am a realist when in touch with reality and that by definition means doom and gloom are in order.

Being in a depressed mood is hard for anyone, not being motivated and feeling a bit shitty, hardly conducive to fun times and I am sorry for everyone who has these days, its a tough break but usually these things pass and hopefully you will be back on the road to good times soon. I dont however believe that this describes depression, depressed yes but not the illness that strikes fear into so many hearts.

I have the dubious honour of suffering quite seriously with depression at times, its a symptom of the PD as far as I know as opposed to the sole cause of my problems, woopedy doo that makes no difference as far as I know. I mention this not for sympathy or understanding I need neither but appreciate both, take that as a given. My reason for mentioning this is a minor insight I have had these past few days.

I believe that thus far, as bad as the depression has been, as deep as the bad days have been in darkness and despair I dont believe I have hit bottom yet and hopefully I wont. The plus side of this is I dont believe I have hit the apex of my life yet either. I can’t have because otherwise the opposite would be true and I know that as suicidal as I have been and when this was taken away as an option the destructive feelings I endured would mean next to nothing.

I am trying to look at this from an almost optimistic point of view and hope springs eternal. I was brought face to face with a signpost from my past life this week and maybe this was what I needed to set me onto a more positive path and I wanted to say for certain that life is a roller coaster and my best moment will be in the future which when I look at the wonderful events I have encountered thus far must mean a truly amazing thing will happen, and I wonder if maybe it might be an end to everything else, not death or anything morbid but a recovery that will remove the threat of a deeper darker despair than ever before.

I dont think its trite to think it could happen and I guess I wanted to say that I am amongst those I know the least deserving of a recovery and I am not being immodest or self deprecating just honest so I hope more than anything that my friends and those that I have been communicating with can have the same optimism and hopefully joy in their futures and thinking about it maybe that’s the great thing I will experience in the end, who knows??

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