Rescue the irrevocable

Posted: May 5, 2013 in Mental Health

I like the word Irrevocable, its a straight forward one that does what it says. Can not be undone! and when it comes to the past I see that as true, damage done isnt undoable and learning to live with that makes the future possible, or at least so i’m told by therapists and the like. Trouble is I dont like that version of events, I cant change the past, it is indeed irrevocable but I dont have to accept it.

I have become aware over the years of PD sufferers need to either rescue others or be rescued themselves and I have always seen that as unconnected to me, in the same way I never considered myself a self harmer, a harmer of others yes but I believed, wrongly as it happened, that self harm was something every other Pd sufferer did but not me. The problem with being outside looking in as I thought I was , is that you think youre somehow better. I dont mean in a mean superior way just that everyone else was worse than me and I was luckier than them, wrong again apparently.

So seeing as I wasnt in need of rescue I decided that my attempts to help my fellow service users were my attempt to rescue them, I still dont believe I am  but unlike my normal way of thinking I am prepared to consider it, progress of sorts. The realisation that I have someone I am trying to rescue came as shock therefore. What was more interesting was the very person I wanted to rescue, or rather when.

I am a loving caring father, I have nothing more precious in my life than my children and I am proud to say they are all happy and bright, thus far free from mental illness and I spend as much time trying to ensure that they stay that was as possible. My feelings towards my boys are very complicated and in general if I hear of any child being abused, neglected or mistreated in any way I get angry and find it hard to release that anger, I then go postal for a while and settle back down until the next time. I know most men feel the same way, decent honest men and some dishonest ones too.

Now I thought about this whilst listening to a story about another poor soul and realised a very important thing, I want to rescue a very scared and frightened child, who was six and eight and eleven. Confused by the ages? well I can explain for the young boy is me. I can remember only too well being that boy, I feel the fear rise in my stomach and hackles on the back of my neck rise often when I have cause to think back and in doing so I, by which I mean me the adult and parent want to rescue that child.

I guess I know in my heart of hearts I can never do anything about that poor childs situation, I could reek revenge I guess but i have done that before and felt nothing afterwards other than emptiness so theres no mileage in that course of action, I have to see it as irrevocable and in that case let it go, not currently possible. I have to move forward and if that means using what skills I do have to help my friends and other PD patients whilst trying to avoid needing the kind of help they are looking for too then I guess thats my lot in life, for now anyway.


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