Contradiction addiction?

Posted: April 26, 2013 in Mental Health

Before I go further I might use this title for a poem so no claims later of “heard it before” please.

I was out on my own this evening and missed the start of the film by a few minutes, the next one was 45 mins so I stayed in the nearby Mc’Ds alone and waited. Bad move, not because MacDonald’s is an awful corporate blight on the world, but because i got to think.

As I do I ponder the day, then the week and slowly go back in time considering everything, many of us do it and I probably have most of my life. This is sometimes a good thing, the births of my children, both my weddings and many other great memories can come to mind but not today and it was no surprise. When I feel vulnerable to my emotions the negative comes unbidden to mind and cannot be shaken off.

I did what comes naturally and beat myself up, I wont go into detail but I have many shameful memories and I am lead to believe many false ones that I cannot disseminate from the truth so it hardly matters which is which. This self destructive pattern continued for a while as I pretended to be engrossed in my mobile but in reality was unaware of anything else around me. It was then i realised that depending on who you were and what time you’d seen me the fact I was so close to crisis would have shocked you. This week I have formalised the creation of another peer support group, Attended training and governors meetings and been featured in the local press for my “stoic” comeback from writers block and mental anguish. in other moments I have lain in bed wondering how the world would cope with my death, considered how long I could get away without my medications before my health was irreparably damaged and whether the air bags in the car would save me if I drove into a bridge.

I see this as text book borderline behaviour in some ways but that makes me angry and feel worse. I have been through the meat grinder of therapy, and no I am not exaggerating about the grinding part I have bared my deepest emotions and secrets to people who have done the same, sometimes my pain is eased but not always and sometimes hearing their stories helps but most times it adds baggage to my own. This is painful and necessary and I wouldnt have it any other way, It worked after all. But if I feel this way today and for the last few weeks then maybe it didnt. and that hurts.

I know that the man that gives up his time for the friends he’s made and the school is well but the other man, the one who shares the same space isnt. I can quite literally be screaming on the inside while offering succour to a friend or group member, when I offer ideas to help the children in my school to improve and grow i am considering how I can die without feeling guilty for leaving them all behind. I know I am not schizophrenic and I have the knowledge to understand the basis of my condition but when it comes down to who shouts loudest as to who controls my psyche the life is harder than it appears on the outside and for me to tell those around me feels weak and also like I would be letting them down.

I will roll on and the two voices will always be at odds, I hope that I can follow the better man for now and some how shush the other one but I really dont know which is the real me so maybe I am supporting the usurper and not the rightful heir to my thoughts???

  1. Amanda Neal says:

    This rings so true and my heart felt heavy and the tears did flow.

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