Resolutions and s**t

Posted: December 31, 2012 in Crazy stuff, Mental Health
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I dont normally redact my swearing so this might be something new for the next year, might be but its not. 2013 is not auspicious, the Mayans havent predicted anything, there are no major anniversaries or Jubilees or sporting events we care about, by we I mean me and that’s how it is at the moment.

That said I am going to carry on with my strictly adhered to rule about resolutions, they are crap, yeah I said it. If you have something you want to change in your life then why not the 1st of march? or the 15th for that matter and if not then your birthday? I see no good reason for saving the first day of the rest of your life until the first day of any year let alone a crappy non event one like 2013. I am not superstitious but I am suspicious that no one is harping on about the 13 part in this years title, everyone is obsessed with friday the 13th and lucky number seven, even my wife suggested our bad luck was over now the third problem with the car has been cured, why three? If I could choose I would say 1 wouldnt you, at worst  2 but 3 is a stretch surely?

So all that said I do have plans for the year, I am telling you them now but they arent new, or necessarily about this calendar year but they are plans which for anyone with BPD might sound ambitious. Not the plans themselves but the idea of making future plans at all, we have a very devil may care attitude to life much of the time, some of us like to try and cut so deep that it might be the end of us, over dosing on a regular basis will undoubtedly cause long term damage internally and the big hope for many of us is we get diagnosed with something terminal so we dont have to make excuses for checking out of this existence early. So I am breaking with convention by actually considering what the end of next year might be like , I am going even further by attempting to gain a degree which will mean at least three years more planning.

So the plans, this isnt meant to excite anyone or impress them its just what i am intending to do. First and most pressing is publishing my second book, I did want to get it done by now but realised it wasnt likely to happen and shrugged off the deadline as immaterial, like I said January 1st isnt normally important so why stress about this one? That said I am looking to get it done soon only because I have three other books in the pot and want to finish them and hopefully put them out there soon too. I am pushing to get more of my degree course done, I have had a brief hiatus because of my recent illness but it is not dead in the water and I am hoping against hope I can get back into it by my birthday in April.

I am also hoping to continue with my other commitments, being a school governor for instance. To do this I am going to have to change my goals, I wanted to do my very best and get the school performing as it should be by influencing policy and maybe even employment of the right people. I now accept that the whole thing is screwed up and the process is like trying to divert a glacier as it tears its way across the landscape, I am going to have to drop the idealistic plans and just be a member of the board like the others, maybe not as accepting of the failings as they are but as powerless to prevent them nonetheless.

My Voluntary work is still up in the air. I truly enjoy the work, I have spoken to some incredible people who just need to be reminded of this fact to get them through the night others who are so desperate for reasons that seem trivial to their friends but in the darkest moments they need to be held in mind and respected regardless of what they are worrying about. I find my BPD an asset in this situation, not for the reasons one might think but because I get it, no matter what the issue might be I can empathise because its all just semantics, whether its sexuality or mental health, religious persecution or violent partners the problem is one of esteem. I may sound like I am in some way simplifying the whole thing but once you understand that everyone no matter who they are or what they project wants pretty much the same thing it becomes easier to accept them and get along.

If you feel uncared for, unloved or even hated by those you want be with then you sense of self is miscued. Its no coincidence that people want to end the life they have whilst not being dead, the two things are not mutually exclusive. I feel like checking out, a lot, more recently than in a while but I want still be around for my family and save them the pain of losing me yet I want to reboot and start my life again without the pain and anguish that brought me to where I am now. So I am at a crossroads with that work because the people I am obliged to work alongside arent always the kind of people you’d want to spend time with and knowing they are speaking to people with problems makes me fearful, whether I can live with that imperfect situation is the point I must accept or deny.

So when I read this again next december or in october or february it wont matter because I am not obsessed with the calendar after all I will have to examine my progress and may even have to accept that i havent done what I set out to, that wont be pleasant but its possible to foresee what is going to happen after all.

If you do have New years as an important moment in your life then please have a good one, if not then happy Tuesday to you and well done for surviving another Monday.

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