This life??

Posted: December 20, 2012 in Crazy stuff

Its been a few weeks now and I am still struggling to determine reality from fantasy and not a good fantasy either. The episode I encountered seems to be lingering in a very different way to my previous experiences and this is adding to my turmoil as I dont have a definitive frame of reference to compare it to.

During my recent problem I suffered a dissociative condition where I truly couldnt determine what was actually happening and what was in my mind. The regular hallucination stuff wasnt there, I could reasonable expect everything that was going on to be true, the fact I recognised so many of the people around me kind of made sense and what was discussed was perfectly plausible if a little weird. The evening after the event I was laying in my bed and couldnt tell if it was Wednesday morning or friday afternoon, if it was the first then it had all been a dream but the latter was worse and I kind of hedged my bets on it being Wednesday, if anything I have convinced myself that its true and the gap or rather extra time I have to account for is due to medication and general feeling crappy and right up until this very moment as I type this I am banking on the fact everything is just a strange long dream.

Now I know I am wrong to a certain degree but the strange stuff is there anyway, the dream like quality of my memories since then and my efforts to understand falling entirely on deaf ears, metaphorically speaking. Now I worry that I will spend as long trying to find the truth of my life as I would have been in a depressed state, which although very close to being an issue isnt as huge as it usually is. My greatest fear during my treatment was depression, because down that road leads to anger and then aggression which will invariably lead me to the same problems I spent so many years getting out of.

I have most of my usual faculties which isnt always the case and much of what I am saying or thinking seems sensible enough to me anyway. but what if I am wrong about this? In the end I am left feeling like I am in a dream of sorts and this will be hard to shake off for a while but with the care and love of my closest friends and family I will realise that this life is real, not great, quite hard to bear and seemingly endless pain and turmoil but real nonetheless.


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