Two weeks and counting

Posted: December 4, 2012 in Mental Health

The whole thing seems like a bad dream right now but it is almost two weeks since my meltdown and I am struggling to drag my sorry arse back into the real world. Its not helped by events around me and the reaction of some people to my set back, some how its either all about them or nothing to do with them and the truth as always is somewhere in between.

Feeling aggressive I can handle, I do broody like no other but feeling vulnerable is harder and I am having to add more aggression in order to cover the vulnerability which is adding excess pressure on everyone else right now. I was let down badly this weekend and then hear that I was the topic of conversation on the day before, apparently its OK to discuss me but not to visit and the reason some siblings are more important than others is ancient history mis remembered and then regurgitated as the facts. I find being angry with my family hard, there is a guilt element but mainly because I have to admit what a shit job was done back then and this then points fingers I cannot face pointing.

I suppose as long as I cover for people, deny their slights and pretend I am ok with what they say and do I will forever be fighting the need to satisfy my own needs, not selfish wants and wishes but the need to be known for what I was or am and the responsibility for the facts as they stand, not as they are described by the instigators of my angst.

I am lucky in so many ways, my wife and children are amazingly supportive, friends I have made through my volunteering have come through for me and my adopted family have stepped up whenever they’ve been needed, I am so much luckier than the average BPD sufferer and this adds to my guilt which feeds my disorder and therefore makes everything that much harder to bear.

So with two weeks under my belt I dont feel great, I am not on the road to recovery just yet but I am determined that when the time is right I will be and know that those I do need will be there and those others who feign concern will probably not even notice the change until too late.

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