Know or unknown?

Posted: November 30, 2012 in Mental Health

This past week has been hard, not just for me but my closest family , my moods are swinging like Babe Ruth at the moment so knowing whats on topic and whats not has been hard for them. I havent been actively trying to be a pain but this isnt really a valid excuse for the aggravation I’m causing I do say sorry but that’s a whole other thing for me and most people know I say it very easily, its just words so that doesnt work very well.

I have managed in the past day to leave the house unescorted for very short periods, I was dropped at my support group thing and managed to walk to out friends print shop to be picked up without incident and then I went to the cinema last night. The latter is my salvation in times like this so to be able to go was great, the escapism isnt necessarily healthy but its a relaxation I cannot find in anything else, not reading or writing or TV and especially not watching sports.

I have mentioned before a while back that the time before the film is my version of meditation, I have seen the previews, adverts and inane mobile phone ad before every film so often I can switch off entirely until the BBFC page then I’m back. Yesterday i was able to contemplate events and try and see the seed of my destruction, not likely to be a good subject for rest but I need to try and this is my best shot and I did have a moment of clarity about things that may or may not be relevant.

A great and dearly missed man told me once that I needed to be known, that it was essential for me to be recognised as me by those around me I cared about and I laughed it off at the time as psycho babble, as with most of the things said to me in therapy I mulled it over at leisure and realised he was right, he always was. Now I thought I got what that meant and in the meantime sought to achieve it and to a greater degree i think I did, I almost wrote feel there but that’s the crux of the matter.

I may think I am known, logically that’s how I see things and that has been enough for me for now, the idea I knew it was necessary and had made ground in doing something about it was enough to trick myself that all was well and I had managed to change the need, if not assuage it entirely then at least ease the desire. What happened last week was evidence of the deficiency in my plan, feelings. I have to a reasonable degree of success managed to void the requirement to feel in all but the most serious of areas in life and in some ways especially in the very gravest of areas, grief and joy are small prices to pay for something approaching normality surely?

What happened last week was a sudden and unexpected flood of emotions, they always send their favourite messenger first, anger and aggression, he leads the charge and makes everything else almost indescernable from the other feelings until I have spent the energy this foulest of emotions sends through me. What I did was lose myself entirely in that welter of feelings and became unknown to everyone including myself and this was the catalyst for everything else. I am no control freak, I was roundly abused by a fellow therapy goer before and it was when she said I was that everyone saw the silliness in her attack but I do crave to be in control of me, not having that control is dangerous and last week and to a lesser extent now I am not master of my own world. I dont mean to the degree of some people, I’m no megalomania but I have exercised control of my emotions to a degree that I cast an appearance that was designed to appeal, everyone thought I was capable and strong, brave and resourceful when inside I was none of those things, I put on a front and controlled the worlds perception of me in doing this.

When the mask slipped or rather got smashed to smithereens I was exposed as the scared , angry incapable fool I feel I am, and do not reply to this by contradicting this I have tried to hear it from others and at the moment it doesnt get in so spare me and everyone the effort. I need to control myself in the hope that by doing so I control the world around me, not the greater world just my bubble, the people I meet or who read my work, the bit part players in my drama as it were, the party goers I share the room with or the lady who serves me in the supermarket. I have lost that for now and the fact I recognise it is temporary is testament to the work of that great man who pointed out so many truths to me, if he was still with us he would probably have sorted this mess out in a sentence or two but like so many other great things he has passed and I left to search for the answer myself.

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