Feelings, who knew?

Posted: November 26, 2012 in Mental Health

Things are tough all over, I get it, no one has a monopoly on bad feelings and I can’t argue that my problems are not the most pressing in the UK, I dont want questions in the house or during prime ministers questions but surely I get a few days grace to melt down.

People around me see very different things to reality when it comes to me, the school have me as a font of opinion and information with a side line in Santa impressions, The organisation I work for sees me as a go to guy, willing to fill in and conveniently located for bad weather or helping out and the University just put me in a box along with all the other disabled students who they support, expected to just handle the work regardless of whats going on around me. This doesnt include the people who supposedly know me who have me somewhere between saint and phone a friend banker.

I suppose I am partly to blame for all of these impressions, I worked really hard to disguise my own position in the world to the point I fooled myself. Now though I am at the crux of it all, the guy I am supposed to be is a myth, not a lie but a figure of legend, what I can do and have achieved are taken and added to other information then the result of this addition makes me what they see, problem is where they start to add their own ideas and impressions and my own inability to stop someone mid sentence when they say how much better I am now. Its stinks of self pity to me to say hang on I am still struggling with everything, I would see it as begging for sympathy but I now realise that I was wrong not to intercede, I allowed the myth to build and apart from a few people who see me for who I am the rest have fallen foul of my greatest achievement, that being convincing the world I am OK.

I have fallen back along way, not back to the start but too far to see the light at the end of the tunnel that seemed to be growing for me. In the events of the last week I gained an insight I didnt want to what was really happening and in the reaction to it I saw other things that I am struggling to deal with. I took some time out Saturday to watch a film and enjoy a meal with my wife, it was hard to make myself leave the house and sitting with my back to a very loud room of diners caused me physical pain. The film was a great one but the subject matter wasnt ideal, the choice had been made weeks ago and if I had thought about it would have withdrawn but it wasnt terrible just uncomfortable to watch someone acting in a way that I find normal but to hear the audience laugh, not in a bad way, it is funny to see but not to actually live with.

This night out left me tired and by the time we went to sleep I was feeling relatively OK, a good thing? Well no because I have been searching for the formula to get the feeling back since going to sleep that night and I am struggling to find it. I remember vaguely begging to be turned off on thursday, to be allowed to lay there and be nothing for a while, something many BPD sufferers will sympathise with I’m sure and the problem I face is the very real situation that is there is no off switch.

My head is full to the brim with emotions and feelings and none of them fit, I am angry about sad things, happy about infuriating things and all the other combinations that are possible too. What I can’t understand for the life of me though is why I am supposed to give a shit about everyone elses feelings about what happened< I understand they may be disappointed by it all, they thought I was in one place and it turned out they were wrong but how that makes them fee is immaterial surely? In the weeks and months to come I will no doubt be asked how I am over and over and I will answer the same way I always have, Surviving, this usually gets a wry smile but also a query and I just repeat it and say that’s a good place for me, this engenders a laugh and I carry on.

 What I am not going to say is I’m fine or thank them for asking, I have a long road in front of me, things are better now than at any other point where the BPD has kicked in before so we shall see if this means a quicker recovery from the slump or maybe I will be very British and have a double dip I dont know but in that time I dont want and cannot be bothered with how it affects everyone else, my children and wife notwithstanding and I think if they really looked at their ideas of who I am they will see, very much like the end of the sixth sense , they had made assumptions and I never actually said anything to give them the impressions they have, and hopefully when they do I can get a bit of rest from giving them a second thought when I think about where I go from here,

 

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