Back in the Block

Posted: November 23, 2012 in Mental Health
Tags: , , , ,

So it had to happen and finally did, the naysayers were proved correct and I had to accept that told you so was fair comment. What happened? Well to be honest I dont know and I can only report the events I have knowledge of and this is third hand.

I melted down, big style. Sometime Wednesday there was a short heated exchange of views, not even a row but in this outburst of vitriol I snapped. I didnt recognise the fact and had events changed slightly then maybe I would still be unaware of it but as with all things they come out in the end. I remember parts of the next day or two, being in Brixton and the West end for some reason, alone and very angry. Going home very late and exchanging calls texts and emails with my better half, some heated others pitiful but in the end calming and positive. After a night alone in my bed I awoke to a positive mind looking to deal with whatever it was but then I totally freaked out, melted down or whatever its called. The upshot of the thing was a psychotic episode which may or may not still be happening.

I lost contact with the man I pretend to be and in his place was the crazy son of a bitch who he fights long and hard to hide. I scared the bejesus out of my wife, my GP a man who thinks upping my anti depressants when I get like this is suitable treatment and probably everyone who had the misfortune of being in the waiting rooms I was ushered between. I was able to regain composure long enough to avoid being sectioned and i think at one point I managed to convince myself it was all just a dream, I was for the first time in my long and chequered history of mental health problems unable to out think the professionals or my wife and hide the truth.

As I write this the world is falling around me and I have to withdraw from almost everything I am involved in for my own good and the people who interact with me. I can’t help feeling as if Hubris has been repaid but I am not sure that’s fair either. I was never intent on being the big I am, if there was immodesty it was unintended and when I struggled with the demons in my head all I could see was that I did things that might impress people solely because I couldnt do it myself , that people loving the things I made or wrote was the best I could get  and in reality I dont think that’s too far from the truth, not that I am not loved but that I am unloveable, that the people who do love me do so under false pretences and now they are about to realise this.

I dont write this for sympathy but as a salutary tale of hubris, pride and the truth behind recovery. You are never more than a harsh word away from the bottom of the hole, the fact this is true should not be seen as a negative, if you know this then maybe you can prepare for it, I wasnt even though I believed I was and in the weeks to come I will be paying the piper, so if you go to A block and see me there looking very mean and foreboding just say hi and ignore my scowl.

  1. myownpandora says:

    Not sure if “like” is the appropriate term for my response to this but it represents my empathy, understanding and support. I shall hold you in mind Nx

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