Time for reflection or so I thought

Posted: November 7, 2012 in Mental Health

I feel a long way down my road to recovery, or I did. I felt that was what I wanted until I heard someone who would be classified as recovered entirely saying they didnt believe recovery was possible for BPD and her argument was so compelling I have to agree. This led to a very strange few days where I fought my inner voices to see where I believed I was truly.

I like to stop every now and then and look at where I am in life as well, this seems far easier to judge and I did my usual reflective bit without really fearing the facts as they were. I did my usual thing around failure and labels this seemed fair but it was thrown entirely by visit to my local hospital for an appointment I was under the impression was about how to harvest my urine over a 24hr period.

I went in almost bored by the whole thing and left in turmoil and unsure of where I was truly heading, even if the prognosis is wrong and I firmly believe everything will be fine it set me on a road to self delusion or destruction.

I wont go into deep details, they are rather droll and I feel it will be all a storm in the tea cup, suffice to say they are searching for tumours to organs I wasnt even aware I had, they are highly unlikely to be the big C but they affect my daily life and the funny part, if this could be seen that way is my Diabetes and BPD probably colluded to hide the truth for all this time.

I started by saying I would reflect so I will. who am I?  I am a Father, a son, a brother, uncle and nephew. My toughest role is being a husband not because my wife makes it hard work but I feel like I am failing in the role because I can’t keep all the plates spinning well enough to support her and keep her well. I am a volunteer in a number of roles, mental health, education and suicide prevention and no the first and last are not necessarily related. In these roles I have felt overwhelmed and shocked by the ineptitude of those who sell themselves as experts in the fields, in fact I have at so me point in the last years been disillusioned at every turn by all three.

I have my writing, tw novels published or will be very soon and two more in the pipeline I like to Blog obviously and my prose has taken many twists and turns throughout the past year. Am I any good at it though? to be honest I could care less, I have brought pleasure to some people who truly enjoyed the books and if that is all I did that’s plenty for me to be going on with. I have no ambitions, aspirations maybe but if the books get read by those who have already taken a shine to my characters then so be it, I’ll be well pleased. I suppose an extension of this writing is my studies, the courses I have signed on to are challenging and fulfilling so I hope to end the next academic year with more distinctions and well on my way to a first class honours degree in social sciences, aiming too high? possibly but I find in reaching for the sky I am still able in failure to reach above my own head and that will be plenty high enough if that is all I do.

Reflection often needs some sort of projection for the future and I am stumped here. If I carry on with the status quo and actually follow through in everything I have committed to then it is a bright one, if however I succumb to the fears about my health, the tenuous line between well and insane could well could well snap and although I believe I will recover in a shorter time than I have thus far, so positivity even in defeat. I am not a believer in deities, fates or luck my life will pan out in however it was meant to and my input will be important but not the sole reason things will go either way. Knowing that alone is a move forward so two thumbs up for me thus far and who knows by the time I reach this reflective position again I may be a publishing phenomenon with so much money I will be moaning about that, I dont think it will happen but in this world all things are possible until proven otherwise.

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