No distance left to run

Posted: October 26, 2012 in Mental Health

It’s been a while since I posted, I would apologise but lets be honest no one is that bothered, thats not modesty just reality, I am sure my regulars will be glad of a rest and maybe might enjoy this post more for the gap, everyone else is unaware anbd disinterested so no harm no foul.

My reasons for such quietness have been multi layered and exhausting but suffice to say trying times have been had and not everything was awful but enough to make it hard for me to cope. I have been through bereavements, suffered prejudice and found myself in the middle of other people shit, not because I volunteered to be but because they assumed I wouldnt mind, wrong on all fronts.

The issue now is whether I have come out the other side or not, the question seems simple enough but the answer is as perplexing as anything I have been asked to discover before. I know more than anyone how fickle life can be, BPD makes this even more of an issue but essentially I have no way of recognising the good stuff anymore and thats scary. I know what love is, how it should feel and what it means to give it but I dont feel anything about it, same goes for pleasure and rage, they exist in me I am sure but they have cut themselves off and I now rely on others for cues on how to react or appear to feel,  This may be a temporary impasse, I hope it is but how long is temporary anyway? I dont know if I have spent periods of temporary normality or the opposite is true, my memories dont add up to more than five or six years in the last fifteen or so and the bits I remember are all pretty bad, the birth of my children is clouded from me, my wedding day a video I can watch to remind me of how great it was but my mind is blank when I try and recall the clearly beautiful day and the fun we had.

My problem is I dont know how much effort I have left to spare, I write to relieve my darker thoughts but this isnt coming as easily as it was and my current spate of DIY is running out , I am left facing boredom and despair and now I am aware its coming the likelihood of it happening is higher, a self fulfilling prophecy if ever there was one. I have a few things to cling to, my voluntary stuff, when not being discriminating against, is fulfilling at times and there is the chance I will wake up one morning and feel ok, thats not as unlikely as it might have been a few years ago but its not exactly guaranteed either.

  1. mikeg12 says:

    rather than becoming bored try and get a campaign going to keep you occupied,it does not matter what you campaign about but please keep busy and writing please

    • bigsteveg says:

      I am kind of campaigning Mike, I have set up a peer support group and through this have been made aware of new issues around BPD that were not affecting me as much as others so they have enlivened me in many ways, problem is how I use the new lease of energy when having a crap day, your ideas are duly noted and appreciated though my friend.

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