any news is bad news apparently

Posted: October 8, 2012 in Mental Health

I have been in a very strange state of mind these last few weeks and I was talking to my wife today and in saying something made myself aware of it. I have been knee deep in a BPD episode for weeks but been unaware, my wife says she thought I knew but I couldnt see anything at all. I suppose I should be happy in a way, the episode hasnt brought me to my knees, I am functioning on quite a high level, writing my third book whilst dealing with the editing etc for my second and managing to set up and run the peer support group.

This means very different things to me depending on my mood, in one way its good news, I am not crippled by this disorder to the point I used to be but counter to this I thought I could handle everything much better and not expect o have anything adverse happen, mores the pity.

My real issue over the last few weeks has been change, I know we live in flux, change is inexorable and I need to fathom that out, I know that but its not like I’m trying not to, I just have other fish to fry most of the time and forget to manage these issues as the occur. If I could keep track of the changes as they happen I would be better off but I literally react once every few weeks in a huge realisation rather than bit by bit. My group added to the voluntary situation and the work load at the school has made a house of cards and as always a gust of wind comes along to blow it down.

Now this is the really painful part for me, good news is as bad as any other, maybe even worse. I have had some good times recently along with some terrible ones and remained quite even, that was weeks ago and now there is this lull going on I find that hearing something that for me is amazingly good causes me guilt and fear and everything else it shouldnt , this hurts because we strive for the good times , that’s what life is a journey between good times punctuated by dramas along the way, the best anyone can hope for is the good times are regular and the bad times short and rare, I am literally in the middle of a great moment in life, explanations will not be forthcoming but I will say its been a long hard fight so I should be happy, not just because we won but also because we dont have to fight any longer, in all this I can only see change in the future and this has coloured everything else, and that is sad.

I know that I will get over this, I might even manage a few good days before the shine comes off for everyone else but between then and now I have a mission, to stay as close to even I can and on all accounts maintain the facade of being OK to everyone who doesnt know me well enough to know I’m not.

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