The blame game

Posted: September 30, 2012 in Mental Health

I like things to be in order, by this I mean the universe as a whole and that goes from the tiniest minutiae right up to big things like the UN, not a small thing to be concerned about on a daily basis I’m sure you’ll agree but to me it matters.

If things arent right then I go one of two ways, the borderline me wants answers instantly, punishments to be dealt out summarily and no one left behind to hang their heads in shame. the other side of me is a bit nicer about it, but not much I have a rational side that can see things cannot be right all the time but knowing its true and accepting it are two very different things. This attitudinal issue can have a very heavy bearing on my life so I need the world to be as ordered as possible so I can function, after all anyone would struggle in a disordered world whether they were disordered or not right?

I look for someone to blame when things arent right and right now they are most certainly out of whack. The John Terry case gets me riled, I believe in the justice system , not because I think its a good one but its the rule of law and that is all that keeps me within the lines sometimes. when this rule of law is no longer inviolate then anything and everything can happen, chaos is not the same as anarchy but chaos will reign if left unchecked and to me what a court says is fact, if a higher court disputes this then they are a higher authority and Borderline folks have issues with authority at the best of times. in this instance I am struggling and I will lay my cards out and say I am a Chelsea and John Terry fan and I know he is no racist, his closest friends are of many nationalities and some very high profile black players are queueing up to attest to that. The court found him not guilty and as far as I am concerned that’s it, if he was a shoplifter and they said not guilty he would not be one, he would be an innocent man and walk away unsullied but that’s not what happened.

I hate the fact we need to persecute people at all, I look for a face to direct my anger at and understand when others do this but if its been dealt with then that’s that, I am no vigilante and using fair means to the correct end is right and if that is the courts then so be it, today I feel unsure about that idea because of the high profile flouting of these rules by the FA, it isnt just that they are ignoring Johns proven innocence but the idea that once proven in law it can be thrown to another lower and in my mind corrupted authority makes me feel unsafe in general.

I have been told many times that if I ever got arrested for something I did my condition would not be taken into account, and on a good day I get it after all I could use that as Carte blanche to do as I see fit and laugh at the law. Now I am seldom having a good day so when I see killing as reasonable answer to unreasonable behaviour I know its wrong so I need to feel that I dont have to fight my corner straight away, that I can look to the authorities to do this but that seems flawed now and as a result I feel the need to rethink my responses to any given stimulae. Whether its my neighbour harassing my wife or a young lad being disrespectful in the park I have kept myself on the side of right by considering the other alternatives and realising that it would be wrong to act differently, now I am not so sure.

I am not saying because John Terry has been screwed over  then I should be able to do as I please and claim the courts have let me do it but I feel my knowledge of the world has been shaken, my vantage point has changed and believing what I know to be true isnt necessarily so anymore and I am struggling to find the right person to blame for things and I need to blame someone or thing every time just so I know where to vent my spleen, I ask around me and no one seems to feel like me right now so its very lonely here, and I blame the world at large for that loneliness and I had passed this point a long time ago and being here now is insufferable and feels dangerous and unpleasant.

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