Judas or Pilate??

Posted: September 26, 2012 in Mental Health

I know the title seems very deep and biblical, this is very odd for anyone who knows me as I dont believe in any higher power, if I did then I would indeed be bitter and not the least bit angry, after all I was a child when these things happened to me and had no idea about salvation or sin so if there is or was a God then they screwed me over for no reason, thus my atheism.

The reference to the two betrayers of the prophet known as Jesus, who I believe did exist by the way is the roles they played in the story each and every christian child is taught by rote, one sold his best friend out for thirty pieces of silver and the other took the choice to not intervene when he had the saviours life in his very clean hands. I seem to be playing either role all the time, I am either betraying someone or thing or denying any responsibility for the things I do wrong. Deep I know but its not so hard to understand, my mental health is blamed for everything, which may or may not be true but I must if things are as they should be , be involved somewhere in my own life.

When I have assaulted people, which was something I did often as a young man I wasnt aware of my BPD but I knew it was enjoyable to be in a fight, I never wanted to batter someone, I needed a challenge therefore took on men likely to inflict pain on me, I took on pairs and trios just for the buzz of being in danger and the opportunity of dishing out punishment. that might seem a strange word but I now know thats what I was doing, delivering my own judgement on others and that judgement was aimed at myself and in some respects my abuser, not just the sick bastard who interfered with me but those who were supposed to be there for me as I grew up, supposed to offer unconditional love and safety but instead delivered nothing, I saw this as ignorance but I have since learned that it was as serious an ommision from my young life as being denied oxygen, the effect was less obvious back then but as I reflect on where I’ve been and what I’ve done I now recognise the facts as they have been explained by some very clever people.

Judas did what he was supposed to do, if the story of christianity is true then he had no more choice about his actions than I do about mine and yet the reactions are the same, he is vilified as the ultimate betrayer, me I am a monster unlike others, whereas I know that unlike the truly evil I was using violence to purge myself, hoping to in some way injure myself so badly that I am somehow punished for the crimes I allowed to be laid upon me, the deprivation I suffered and emotional neglect. Pilate is less easy to explain, I look at my actions and see them as “his” fault, as if he is someone other than myself when in fact it was me all along. I have always excused my fighting with the simple yet honest sentence, I never start a fight, this one sentence meant I was a good guy really, that I was defender to my friends and weaker souls. This kept me safe in my mind from realising the sheer madness of what I was doing, I wrought injury and pain on men because they somehow provoked me, I refused to take the blame and like Pilate I was clear of conscience.

Pilate again was without choice if the story is accurate, for there to be a christ there had to be a Pilate so why is he regarded in such a poor light, the roman catholics used to call the jews the Jesus killers yet the romans themselves were the perpetrators of the final act, and this is where I feel I am, I have done what Ive done as a means to an end, without my previous actions my current ones would never be, my children would not have been born and they are a shining light in the world, every conversation I ever had would not have been so anything of worth I’ve done would be mitigated and how might the world have been instead?

If like me you beat yourself up over your condition remember that we have roles to play in life, whether its fates or destiny is moot, every action and opposite and equal reaction has ramifications and they are not always bad, one of the men I beat very badly was a convicted rapist, he was in hospital for a while and suffered some long term damage, I like to think that by hobbling him I prevented his ability to re offend, it may not be true but it does me no harm. I know what is right and wrong today, I may not tomorrow and the next day I may rewrite the rules to suit my own agenda but regardless I see no value in labelling myself either using biblical references or otherwise, of course I may change my mind tomorrow.

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