Facebook and the mind swap swindle

Posted: July 19, 2012 in Crazy stuff

I have to be careful with this one, they are out there looking and I need to ensure I fly under their cunning radar and get this message out.

Facebook, yes that Facebook the one with the film and ridiculous share price shenanigans has pulled off a coup of unprecedented proportions, they have managed to install personalities into their users, now my personality has issues, we know that but for once it might be the saving of me.

Hark I hear you say, tell us do of the ruse these clever San Fransisco types are using to do this, well I am struggling at that point, I know its happening but my doctorate is late coming in the post from Guadalupe University of Paranoia and Conspiracy theories, my thesis on Miley Cirus was well received so fingers crossed.

The evidence is there for all to see though, and I would ask you to check yourself and se it for the truth it is, there are about ten types of Facebooker, when you consider the billions of members this seems odd, doesnt it? I mean I have a few friends, about 60 and what are the odds that 6 of them are alike, or that another six are different but alike in other ways? well they are my friends you say, you have purposely picked certain types, interests shared etc that could happen easily but think about it,really.

There is the teen girl with relationship woes, they write almost poetic statuses about trust or friendship, they sign up to gooey sweet pictures with either sad looking animals or inspirational quotes on candy coloured backgrounds, there are even some teen boys who have been duped into the cult and their posts are always deep with swear words and the odd threat to whoever it was that broke their heart, check you feed theyre there I assure you.

Then theres the Bridget Jones type, they treat status updates as a dear diary, with multitudes of information about anything and everything, been shopping, you wouldnt believe what i had for lunch you know the type of thing, for some reason they seem impervious to sarcasm, no matter who writes on their wall they are treated like an elderly relative who has driven through the snow to see them, “Oh thank you so much for noticing, Its great you took time to read my lowly status with your busy life” again just have a quick look and see them, right there on your feed.

Another one is the Anti Facebooker they think by being mean and rude they are appearing to turn up their noses at the rest of us, “you saddos cant you find something better to do all day” they write then update about an hour later with some other kind words, in fact if you check they spend more time on Facebook moaning about how much time all the “Wankers”spend on Facebook its just weird, they are usually in their mid twenties and just angry cos they havent got a thing, like the older people can talk about classic TV shows or old school consoles, the younger ones have got Twitter and FB what have they got to remember their time by, Westlife albums and Sabrina the teenage witch, dont judge them too harshly or answer their statuses otherwise they get trolling and you really have better things to do with your life.

The Birthday person is also hanging out there in the ether, no matter who’s birthday it is friend of a friend work colleague random person with a similar name as them or distant relative from Timbuctoo they are first to wish them a happy birthday, they also feel it is there job to announce in that first post how old the birthday boy/girl is today. They manage then to share their post for the world to see, so if cousin Ali in Darkest Timbuctoo is now upset to be turning forty and isnt letting on to his work mates at the drive thru falafel place tough cos Mandy from Gravesend who knows one of your mates from another site has seen its your fortieth and wants the world to know, the fact she is saying it before you have time to get your first coffee in, which considering the time difference is kind of impressive is frightening on so many levels, if your not sure if you have one of these just make up a spurious birthday, post a good wish and see it fly into the cyberworld as they dont just send a good wish they post a status and then make an Ecard.

The complainer is very well known on Facebook, whether its traffic or their broadband speed they have to comment and let the world know, they will name names and sometimes describe the person they have been dealing with in very unflattering terms, the fact its on permanent record for the world and their solicitors to see doesnt register with them, as long as Asda know the jam in their doughnuts have less Jam than expected or and I have seen this, the driver of C61 YYY is crap because they are eastern european and cant drive Maybe they are serving a purpose , have you ever read their posts and shopped elsewhere??

Fashionable at the moment is the political guy, he reposts other people’s right on posts, with a lol underneath to proclaim his stance on them, they feel they need to let you know that while the didnt bother vote themselves they hate the person you voted for and blame you for the mess that Kandahar is is, or Timbuctoo they do not hold their political feelings to their local area, they feel due to their international reach they should comment on everywhere and hardly ever remain consistent, he/she’s a republican in america a labour supporter in UK, Sinn fein in Ireland and Muslim brotherhood in egypt among other affiliations, he may be our mate or even a relative so we have to put up with him/her but theyre a pain in the arse no doubt.

Akin to this person is the critic, whether its a film, tv show or book they have to comment, and in effusive glowing terms, its not just good its the best ever because they said so, no modesty whatsoever so you better not disagree because they really dont like it, and they also have an uncanny skill which in the old days would have been beaten out of them by cinema goers or readers, they love to spoil the endings, give away the twists and generally make it no longer necessary to watch/read/listen to whatever it is they have seen etc. They will on your feed somewhere.

Then there is the stalker, not a new phenomenon but Facebook has started a new generation who make themselves twice as aggravating, Stalking used to involve some effort, they chose their targets and went to not an inconsiderable amount of effort to watch them and be in their lives, the Facebook version is just a lazy person who watches everyone elses feeds and comments, then counter comments and so on, not just on one topic on one persons feeds, now they have access to countless numbers of people all at once, they have an opnion on everything from political guys sad placard post to film spoilers twist and everything between, dont even get them started on birthdays, they’ll say whether you do or dont look your age and argue the toss with anyone who disagrees.

There are others but not many and that’s the point, there seems to be a homogenization of the people of the planet being carried along by Facebook, who will stop this insidious movement in its tracks, Steve Job has gone, Gates is almost retired and all the new age heroes of the internet generation are either virtual or useless, they care more about maintaining their face book pages and acquiring likes than anything reality can throw at them.

One day this blog will be brought our of archive and people will nod sadly at the truths held here within, I warned you people, and I even told you about it on my Facebook page, but you just liked it and didnt read it did you??

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Comments
  1. Scarlet_Stryder says:

    Made me giggle. So true!

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