Wealth??

Posted: July 11, 2012 in Mental Health
Tags: , , ,

A great man once said that a mans wealth is judged by his progeny not his bank balance, He didnt say bank balance as I dont think they existed then but I am paraphrasing and wondering where this leaves us.

I can say whole heartedly that today I am immensely wealthy in those terms, I have three wonderful, intelligent, relatively healthy children who will no doubt go on to achieve whatever they wish, if there is a better position to be in from a parental point of view I am at a loss to see it. My daughter finished her A levels with fantastic marks that got her straight into her chosen course at her favoured Uni where I am happy to say she has excelled and loved the whole experience of year one, year two is sorted, accommodation and everything else is done and she is having a well earned rest whilst getting some much needed money doing bar work in a swanky golf club, hard earned money but again she loves it and enjoys everything about her life right now, and most importantly for me she is mentally very well, nothing residual brought over from being around me when she was younger, not that i was there at my worst as I sacrificed my own needs for their benefit, noble? Dutiful? not in my eyes just the very least I could do at this point, thankfully it seems to have worked.

My eldest son is so smart its scary, his competitive streak means he is aiming to outdo his sister in the A level stakes and looks like achieving this earlier than intended, he is also very handsome and cool isnt the word, I am so proud to be seen with him its unreal and I know that I get the very best of him, he is not anywhere near as talkative or caring with anyone else, which is one of the greatest treasures in my life. Again he is not showing any sign of ill effects from my genetic legacy, he is quiet and has suffered emotional trauma at a young age which there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent, teen suicide is tragic and meaningless but for the friends left behind it is traumatic and he seems to handle this, quietly to be sure but I feel I have opened the pathway to talking things through and he knows I will be willing to talk about things when he wants to. He had never lived with me, spent longer than a few weeks at a time in my company and if he felt any differently about me I could understand, in many ways I girded myself for a backlash that seems to be off the cards, for now. As I said I am so lucky that I get him at his very best, funny and smart with a very wicked sense of humour that few get to see, A gift any man would treasure I’m sure.

The there is my youngest, a true pleasure to be with, he is whip smart and so clever it frightens me, its only thanks to my having dealt with his older siblings I feel able to deal with him, His mother is aghast at his enquiries and feels silly when she has to refer him back to me, and believe me I have had to use google and all sorts to keep up with his hungry mind, he has even used existential thought which at 6 is pretty clever. I watch him go through the world making people smile and always doing his very best to make others happy and never use his brains to make others feel small, again wonderful traits but again my strongest emotion is towards his level headedness, He has been living in my home alongside me during some of my worst times emotionally, yes I did leave at my very worst and only returned when I knew it was safe to do so, through all this he has never asked a question that I didnt answer honestly and he doesnt ask questions he knows might hurt me to answer, how he knows I dont know but I am sure its intentional, if that makes sense.

So as I stand here now, or rather sit here typing in my social housing, having been evicted by the bank thanks to failed insurance, with a Laptop paid for by my university, with no car and the prospect of foreign travel all but disappeared, camping when and if is fine though, I am saying categorically that I am a wealthy man, if my progeny do nothing more than they have up to this day then I would still claim this to be true, anyone with a serious mental health problem who has not impacted their children’s life is lucky, yes luck is the special thing here, I know I removed myself but that could have been equally as painful and damaging. I am lucky because my choice of women in my life has been excellent, my first wife who was a major victim of my problems managed to bring up our two children in a calm and measured manner, I have helped where I could and spent many hours discussing things with them that have proved to be very useful as they matured but their mum was the deciding factor in their amazing turnout.

In the case of my youngest it is again his mother my dutiful and loving wife who has maintained a level home life, when I was too ill to be around she either helped me to get away or went herself, when I was hospitalised she managed to avoid him realising it and as I progressed through therapy and struggled in the evenings she made him feel as if nothing was going on,  He was loved and cared for and knew it, my wife brought him to me when it was ok to do so and we would talk and play which helped me and him, she literally managed two children at once, one of which was over nineteen stone and six foot at the time, and I was probably the worst behaved of the two as well. My son is a testament to good parenting on behalf of his mother, Yes i regard myself as integral in their lives and success but not as a large proportion, I am a truly lucky man, regardless of the misfortune that brought to this place in my life it could have been so much worse, if my children had carried on my travails then i might never have been able to move forward, their is only so much guilt a man can bear, so I am immensely wealthy and lucky even if it doesnt appear to be the case most days.

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  1. […] Wealth?? « Life in the realms of BPD […]

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