Just another day in paradise, or is that parasite??

Posted: July 3, 2012 in Mental Health

So the whole thing goes on, horrible neighbour lady is ramping up her charm offensive and the people supposedly sorting it out are now so interested in their own jobs they havent bothered to do anything about it, she is gunning after them and they are circling the wagons for their own sake, understandable but useless for my situation. I did make a call today and used the one thing I know I can do that works well nearly all the time.

Using an old BPD mainstay I put on a front and pretended to be interested in their plight, I even feigned compassion for the old hag next door, all the while serving my own situation and ultimately the well being of my family, I implied stuff that may be going on without actually making an accusation, by seemingly being very charming, caring and understanding I got what I needed done whilst making the young lady I was dealing with feel I was just helping out, doing the right thing for everyone. Now this was done consciously but I recognise I have done it for years with being aware and knowing that kind of frightened me, not for my sake but the many fools who were tricked into thinking I was a rational, even exceptionally switched on guy with everyone’s best interests at heart whereas in truth I was working my own angle to get what I needed. It wasnt always a bad thing but the fact I did it so easily makes me shudder, what could I have done with the wrong inclination? and where would that have taken me?

BPD seems to be having a resurgence at the moment with lots of my friends suffering quite serious times, I include myself in that pack as the whole neighbours thing is driving me into the ground hard,the holiday ending badly and not having anything solid in the world right now makes things hard to bear but I am not giving in, I have decided not to try and rescue my friends and make an effort to rescue my family instead, selfish ? possibly but self preservation isnt wrong and my family benefit greatly from my well being not being affected. I have heard some sad stuff and some absurd shit even been subject to some crazy stuff myself but I am not going to buy into it, and that’s how I intend to get out of this, by sticking my head into gear and working with my family to get through it, I would offer this to everyone as a way forward but I am not naive enough to think everyone  is as lucky as me, some are completely alone others have less than helpful families or worse families that are the cause of their issues so I am saying it works for me and I am sorry this wont be the case for everyone.

I say I am lucky and others see this as absurd, how could someone with my history claim to have had any good fortune? and they have a point but this kind of thinking doesnt help me and I see the wonderful things that have happened to me as a kind of balance sheet, yes there was horrible things in my childhood and youth but so much has been good since that I can balance the books and if I come out on top with a bit of credit I win, forget the bad its been raked over and does not need mentioning but the good deserves recognition

I have a wonderful supportive beautiful wife who supports me even when she has nothing left for herself emotionally, I have three absolutely amazing children, my sons are strong intelligent and handsome with personality and brains , my daughter is a revelation, she has beauty, intelligence and charm in spades, her maturity shames me and when she speaks people listen because she is wise and caring if that was all I had I would still say I was onto a win but I have more. My wonderful Willow who was bought 11 years ago to aid my recovery from depression, when they thought that’s all I had, halcyon days indeed. She is a loyal and true friend who was at my side through the worst days of my life, her new companion Boudicca has yet to prove herself but she is a delight in herself and hopefully will live up to my already high standards of doggy ways. I live in a lovely home and work with some wonderful people, no I dont get paid but that makes it mean something more.I have the kind of friends you only read about in books, loyal, understanding and caring, they have been their for me and mine throughout my trials and tribulations and made life bearable at times when all evidence suggested against it. My new friends I have made through my troubles are equally as precious to me, we share so much of ourselves and in doing so accept the worst in each other, not something many people are prepared to in the real world. There are other smaller things that seem too trivial to list but the sum of the parts is so much more than the parts and I am blessed to have all this, I use the word blessed not in a religious way but merely as it was originally used, a gift from others.

I see the purpose of making this list as two fold, one it does no harm to be able to look at your good things to remind you they are there and also to make the point that I may have a huge list going against me and if I let it I will become overcome by it all, just knowing its not everything in my life makes the whole process of living possible right now, again I would never deign to offer it as advice but its working for me and I got it from someone else so who knows??

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