Facades, walls and hurdles

Posted: June 16, 2012 in Mental Health

I write this in a shit frame of mind, why? well I just am and if the question is why am I writing this then? well that’s a fair point but I feel I need to and that is one thing I have learnt to do since starting my treatment all that time ago, if its not destructive then do it, impulsivity can be very dangerous but unless I plagiarise or slander someone horrifically I cant really do any harm and there is a minute chance it might be a good thing for me, any slim chance is better than none so here I am.

I have been building up to this episode for a few months, not in any sense aware of what was happening and as is so normally the case it was hidden behind other things, I had a bereavement, then planning stuff and getting assignments done, some very stressful stuff in my governorship to handle as well as a wife who is struggling herself, and being guilty because I know that ultimately I am the cause of all of her problems, vicariously, true but responsible regardless.

All the time its been building I have assumed that it will pass once such and such is done, after the funeral I’ll be OK, well maybe once my Uni work is done I’ll be back to where I’m comfortable, never normal I dont have that capacity but I always had a reason for why I was getting antsy and wound up, I look at them as facades, veneers of issues that hide the real one, which I now know and feel a fool for trying so hard to deny but my hindsight is impeccable even after all this experience. I am somewhat an expert in putting on a false front, I can appear fearsome when I am in fear and vulnerable whilst in fact at my most dangerous, I have been everywhere in between too but its been pointed out who I was actually fooling all along, myself. I feel foolish now I see what the last couple of months have been about, I dont deny that every event was in its own way stressful and worrying but I used them rather than them affect me in the way I described to anyone who asked.

Now as everything is settling down, all the trauma has dissipated and I should be relaxing into my chair and looking back on what has happened, there have been a long list of things from academic and emotional to physical and existential but all of them alone would have been a breeze for me to handle in my long and distant past, it would have been another veneer of coping but I was fooled so easily and it worked for a while. Today or more accurately yesterday I had a bit of stress, one simple thing didnt happen as expected which sent my plans into a tailspin and in truth I just couldnt figure out how it could be happening, surely in 2012 this stuff wasnt necessary and banks and the likes can help when they are needed, the details almost escape me but the reaction certainly does not.

I fell, anyone who has shared a bit of therapeutic space with me knows my greatest fear, the dark all consuming chasm that is my depressive condition, I dont just get maudlin and miserable I get angry, with myself, my family and anyone and everyone else and yesterday I did the unthinkable for me, I went there again. Now I have spent a long time learning how to handle this stuff so I was sure that if it did happen again I would know what to do, well as it turned out I did, not the right thing but in essence the only thing I have the power to do in this situation which is switch off and power down. If that sounds a bit mechanical then its meant to be, I am a machine of sorts when I get into this mindset, a weapons of mass destruction and the only way to diffuse these types of bombs is cut the power and remove the incendiary element well I cut my power by isolating myself and the incendiary in this situation is my emotions.

No as I lay in my bed with pillows hauled over my head to cut out any arousing indicators I had a moment of thought, I knew this wasnt like before that the wall of depression I was used to an expecting from this moment on wasnt a wall at all, it was a hurdle, in essence they can be the same thing except a hurdle is designed to be beaten, you go over it by hook or by crook and the idea is to get past it and move on, you may have other hurdles to get over some harder som easier but they are ultimately achievable, they have to be. Now this may sound just sensible and why didnt I realise this all along, well BPD is the answer and I unwittingly forgot to add that to my equation of life, I naively believed I had the power to control my life and if everyone else just stopped living their own lives and the weather could be controlled along with anything mechanical or electrical then yeah I would be in gravy.

So I now know I have a hurdle to overcome as opposed to a wall to beat my head against, does this mean I am better today than yesterday? That tomorrow I will be better yet? well to be honest I doubt it, all I really know is the fear I have felt for so long may be an overreaction and this may well be just one of those things I have to fight through in order to exist in the real world, maybe it is but I can tell you it still hurts like hell.

  1. Mandi says:

    Are you feeling any better?? I think I know that feeling. For me, its like the deepest part of me is being torn, or pushed so hard its difficult to breath. It physically hurts. My mind is spiraling which makes it worse. Nothing is good. Sometimes i’ll scream into my pillow. If I leave the room something will make it worse. If not me, for my family. Unfortunately there’s not anything I can say that you don’t already know. Except that someone all the way across the ocean is thinking about you and wishing you well.

    • bigsteveg says:

      Hi Mandi

      The answer is yes and no I guess, you know how it is one minute up the next down but I truly appreciate the concern and from so far away, I am doing my best to use the blog as an outlet that hopefully means I dont need to use another, ie deep depression or aggressive behaviour and it works I think, Hope you are doing OK too, hanging in there as we like to say

      • Mandi says:

        I’m glad you’re hanging in. Blogging helps me a TON. My only problem is that my blog is public. I set it up to update friends and family so I wouldn’t have to. But that didn’t really work out and I’ve come to find out that others with BPD are way more of a support. I was in shock when I started reading others stories. I have only known I was BPD for 3-4 months. I knew I had some characteristics in November but not diagnosed until March. I feel like it’s been a lot longer and I should have a lot more figured out by now. But I don’t. 🙂
        I’m in the middle right now. I can’t afford to slip down so I’m trying really hard to keep afloat.
        Hope you can climb out soon!!

      • bigsteveg says:

        Sounds like you’re in a tough spot yourself, I have known my diagnosis for about four years and the previous years I was given so many theories it made things worse, knowing What you have helps and there is some great treatment out there, I know youre a long way away but hopefully you get similar quality if not better than mine, I was fortunate , if having BPD isnt unfortunate ebough for a lifetime, to live quite close to an excellent treatment centre, and being british its free psychotherapy has worked wonders and despite my crappy situation at the moment I’m a hundred times better than before, hang on in there and keep in touch, we’re in this together as a song once said

      • Mandi says:

        free psychotherapy…. that’s crazy in a good way. My treatment is what’s killing our finances. It cost’s twice as much as any other appointment, specialty or general practice. Very frustrating!

      • bigsteveg says:

        The benefits of being british I guess, I know the cost of the treatment was £35K and up so I am very lucky

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