I have been in contemplative mood recently, a very fertile stretch of writing and some intense navel gazing about my past have brought me to a strange place, not good or bad just strange.

I have had a stressful week, a raging car fire where I acted impulsively and quite recklessly, for the greater good I could argue but in reality I was just reacting without thought to a situation, my family were safe and things worked out well but at the time I was  insensible and my only explanation is my BPD kicked in, my hard work and effort to put in place my filters, this moments before I react that allow me to walk away or think twice before I speak just didnt work and although I am safe and well seeing the actual images of what was likely to happen barely seconds from my intervention have given to a moment to think and realise what  mug I was.

So my BPD started pushing its way into my week. the whole rescue mission and extended stay in France made me ratty, my wifes inability to accept that what the assistance people were doing was the best thing made me angry and frustrated, I avoided conflict, barely but not knowing what was going to happen to my belongings whilst in the hands of some decidedly dodgy looking Frenchies sent me running to the BPD tree for shade and I am unhappy about it in some ways but pleased in others. Let me explain, as I am sure it is very contradictory and not easy to get the gist of.

I am aware that I will always have BPD, this is a fact and there is nothing to be gained berating myself about it or trying to change things, so the fact it has resurrected itself in a stressful situation shouldnt be a bad thing, if not then, then when I guess? The fact the week before my stress was like a nirvana of fun makes it somewhat harder to bear as it has kind of made this week disappear in a fog of haze, i know it was good but I also found out some stuff about my condition that made me a little uneasy. So anyway events transpired, the car did burst into flames mid journey and there was a moment of extreme  panic followed by very impulsive and reckless behaviour followed by some rattiness and conflict.

In all these events I managed to keep a lid on my reactions, I didnt completely hide them or even try but I could have been a 1000 time worse and it could have lasted a lot lot longer, months longer in fact whereas in truth by arriving home today with all my possessions in A1 condition after a long but pleasant drive where I got to see stuff I always wanted to without a bored family along for the ride made it worthwhile and pleasant, in fact I could in many ways say that apart from the fatigue of thirty six hours travelling it was a good trip.

I was alone with my thoughts as I drove and spoke to my elder brother, we discussed BPD and how it was mentioned as one of his possible diagnosis. This in itself made me think about all the diagnosis I had been given, the meeting with Steve at the A&E mentioned in my last proper blog also got me on this path, so here is the list as complete as I can remember. 1) Chronic clinical depression 2)severe depressive disorder then it gets exciting, 3) PTSD 4) sociopath 5) mild schizophrenia 6) Bi-polar and finally the one that hit the nail on the head  BPD, I know from my treatment and how my life has changed that the last one was right and the treatment I got correct also but it got me thinking, what if?

Most of the diagnosis would have ironed themselves out I’m sure but if I was truly a sociopath the very fact I was able to present myself as not being one could have proven that I was, strange set of events but true nonetheless the thing that really bothers me is I have taken a test, for a joke about psychopaths, the results were based on a set of questions, not unlike the DSMIV list and you score according to what you answer, i did it honestly and scored very high, not high but very high and its only because I did it as a joke and therefore dont have to count it that means I am not freaking out. I have BPD thats plenty of fucked up for one person in my eyes so whatever other ists or path I may qualify for under the esteemed lists created and argues about by mental health experts, a strange thing to be in my eyes without actually having experienced a mental health crisis yourself but there they sit on their lofty perches decided which letters of the alphabet to put on our prognosis.

I suppose what I am saying is everything seems to fall into place eventually if you dont actively work to prevent it, BPD does set us on a path towards conflict with everyone, most especially ourselves so it is good fortune that I got my last diagnosis, that it stuck long enough to get me treatment and was serendipitous that one of the other diagnosis didnt get more support than they did from the arguemental bastards who make such decisions.

 

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Comments
  1. mikeg12 says:

    an excellent and very honest well written piece -partners of either sex find it so difficuld to deal with but generally you sound as if your on the right path
    keep it up

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