Patience? I dont have time for it, or do I?

Posted: May 26, 2012 in Mental Health

I have what could be described as a short fuse, in reality that would be an under estimate of how short it really is, I have no fuse at all, I go from calm to boom in a heartbeat, well I did. I have been through the therapy and anger management and god knows how many hours of advice from people diverse as eminent psychologists to convicted murderers and I have tried to listen, but I am not a great one for advice, I give it because I have an opinion but not with any confidence that what I say is any better than the advice the person has already heard so up to recently I have assumed my patience was still pretty much of muchness.

At the very end of my year in intense therapy I had an event, literally on the day I left I went to to collect my wife and son from a circus, as with everything the timings were out by a mile and I was waiting in a sensible place, I could see the entrance and wasnt blocking anyone in, while I grumbled a bit. This sweaty fat goon pulls up alongside me and starts mouthing off, why I shouldnt be there and many other things that little sense, he thought he was a real alpha male, that I should be intimidated by his ranting and pontificating but he was barking up a whole different level of tree on this one. I was tempted to get out of the car, I’m a big lump of a lad, and offer him the option of showing me the error of my ways, I was being passive aggressive really but he was gagging for a beating and usually I would have been in utopian levels of joy to oblige. As I sat there watching his spittle fly about the car I looked to my left, there on the passenger seat was my acorn, a significant emblem of my year in therapy and I had two thought, one, the first was to use it to cave his head in, this was very short in length the other was that my acorn was evidence that I didnt need to do anything I embarrassed him by speaking politely and reasonable about his lack of manners, he was confounded and tried to shout louder to which I replied that his accent, which was slight at worst made him hard to understand, I even enquired as to whether he would like me to move the car to which he swore and I asked for clarification, it was a minor victory but for him it was massive and the true winner was me.

That was in march 2011 and since then not much has happened to which I needed to respond, I was accosted quite aggressively in therapy but that was quite funny really and never got a rise out of me so I remain untested in the in the interim, until last night. I am doing two course with the Open University towards a degree and this is year end, the most important of the assignments are due in. I have done them both and last night decided to send the last one off, its due while I’m off camping and I might forget in the preparation for the trip. I went to the folder that holds all the relevant documents well I tried to, it wasnt there. Now I am meticulous with my admin for this stuff, it should have been there and after a few checks, I doubt myself sometimes , it wasnt there it had gone. Now I know I hadn’t moved it or deleted it but I am not the sole user of my laptop, I’m supposed to be but as is usual expedience takes over and the wife and my son use it rather than fire up their laptop, it takes a whole two minutes so you can see why.

I wasnt panicking, I was fuming, some how my very important work was gone, the recycle bin was empty, when I searched recent docs it was there but clicking on the link brought the dreaded message path not known. I would have in the past steamed upstairs shouting and ranting, recriminations would have been high on my list of priorities but not this time. I dont know how or why but I just shrugged, if she had done it it would have been by accident, if it was the boy ditto so who would I actually shout at, I could do a bit of moaning at the appropriate time and that would salve some of my ire but would steaming upstairs change anything , well yes it would have frightened two people and may have damaged my home life irreparably but otherwise it would do nothing to change anything  so I stayed where I was, calmed myself and set to work.

I figured the folder with the work in would have had to have been moved by accident and how could this happen, I went through scenarios and checked each one out until I found the folder hidden in an older one doing its best to frustrate me but failing miserably in this instance. In short I got the assignment sent, no one got upset and everything was right with the world this morning, in fact it has passed unmentioned and probably wont get mentioned at all. This may seem very straight forward to anyone outside of the BPD treadmill but to me it is huge, the ability to screw things up is written into our DNA it seems so being able to avoid that is massive and I sit here typing in a calm house without the feelings of guilt and anger I would have held in the past and my family is happily making cakes and enjoying the sunshine, good times folks.


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