Steps forward

Posted: April 26, 2012 in Mental Health

I am a big Bruce Springsteen fan and listening to some of his tracks over the past few weeks has been good, there are a few songs which do intrude in my mind, the words or subject matter strike a nerve. One such song is called One step up, which tells of a man struggle in life for every step up he falls two steps back. The song isnt too sad and the words arent so similar that I get that strange BPD thing that its written for me or he has a special connection with my life, he doesnt and I dont.

The words strike me so because its how I would have described my life up til now, and this is the good bit I guess because I am saying up until now, thereby suggesting it has changed and that’s the good bit. I am very careful about suggesting my life is good now, its better but by saying its good I am tempting fate and that is where I find myself right now, worried I am tempting fate and always cautious of not over stating how things are for fear someone or something will upset the apple cart. Is this a BPD thing? Does it mean I will always be looking over my shoulder for the bad news to arrive, will I ever just relax and enjoy life, accept my lot?

I will say that today I am relatively happy, tomorrow I might not be but I will state that I have life pretty well sorted, my meds work, stress is controlled and I can regress without fear of failing anyone, safe in the knowledge I can move forward again once I’m ready. I also know I am lucky, my wife does so much to ensure I am protected from lifes iniquities, yes we struggle sometimes but that’s life for everyone not just us and my wonderful children, who must have suffered some deficit by being mine have never let it be known, maybe one day they will come to me with their complaints but somehow I dont see it happening, more by luck than judgement I guess. In the end I will stick a stake in the ground and say today I am well, my petty crap is much like everyone elses and it will last as long as it does, when it does end I know now it will come back even if I dont recognise it at the time, this will be there for me to read and hopefully it will serve me well.

And if all else fails there are a few other songs which lift me up and I thank the Boss for that saving grace.

  1. Mandi says:

    You encouraged me today, and I needed encouragement. You’ve done it. You’ve gotten to a manageable place. That means that maybe I can too. You can stick your flag in the ground at the top of the mountain! And even if tomorrow isnt as good as it was today, that flag is still there 🙂

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