Depth and despair

Posted: April 12, 2012 in Mental Health

I am not really in despair, not by my standards anyway but I can see that some people would feel desperate in the same position as I find myself in. I am in some turmoil emotionally and trying to work out what I am doing, feeling or trying to achieve takes effort that I dont have much energy to work on this stuff and draw breath as well. So whats the problem I hear you wondering, well to be brutally honest I have got the foggiest.

I dont say this to be obtuse or mysterious I just dont have a clue why I am feeling very out of sorts and in trying to work it out I am digging myself deeper into the mire. I have been falling out with loved ones, whilst putting up with crass stupidity from others without so much as a blink of the eye. I have been very unfair, albeit without meaning to but unfair nonetheless and my reaction to the perceived hurt I felt was harsh and out of context, I did this to the person I love most in the world under very little duress, I can accept why I have been this way, I know my BPD was working overtime and its not an excuse but a fact I was not behaving as I should.

On the other hand I spent time with the person who once meant the most in the world to me and it was them who really deserved to feel my wrath but as is always my way I bit it back and let them carry on doing the destructive stuff I have been subjected, unconsciously I believe, since childhood. Why is it I will strike out in one direction knowing its not fair but will not so much as raise my voice when I am being marginalised and ultimately put down? I can see through my years in therapy that what I am doing is wrong, I know whats right and manage to do the best I can on most occasions but this week I am not able to maintain my status quo and I have sunk very low, not the depths I once managed with very little stimulus but not good.

In the end I will do what I do, leave sleeping dogs lying and rattle the sabre at the wrong person, again. I will eventually find some equilibrium but until then all bets are off and I may be on here indiscriminately about my nearest and dearest, If I am the ignore me or just put me straight, nicely if you can but whatever works if you cant.

  1. caww08 says:

    very nice blog im just after signing up to this today and wrote a topic on the same topic, if you would be interested in reading it that would be great.

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