Stoicism, expedience and affection

Posted: April 10, 2012 in Mental Health
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Firstly apologies to anyone who feared for my marriage after the last post I was angry and wound up and as usual with my condition sure I was wholly correct in everything I was feeling, I did feel exactly as I wrote and this cannot be diminished in its importance, but the same situation on a different night would most likely get a completely different reaction from me, which was kind of what my wife was alluding to, clumsily true but that was the point of her comments and in the cold light of day I recognised that, and hearing from a dear friend that i had concerned her enough to offer solace brought things to light i hadn’t considered, thanks , you know who you are.

So with the day panning out very differently to how I imagined this time last night I thought back on how we came to say goodnight in our usual fashion without any discussion of what had gone on, not in a denial kind of way, just a’ peace will out’ kind of thing. The three words heading this blog explain it succinctly in my eyes, or mind or heart I’m never sure where it works from but they work and thats the point. Stoicism isnt popular anymore, the romans loved it, it was pretty much the highest accolade a senator could receive from the senate and my love of Roman culture and literature may have imbued me with a tad over the years, in fact I may have gone a little too far down that road unintentionally but I now feel I have a decent balance on that front. In case anyone is confused by what I mean by it, the word was meant as a compliment for the men who stood stock still in the face of personal trials, taking the personal pain and allowing it to exist in the background while you deal with anything for the greater good was and maybe still is an asset, I have it now in a small amount but in the past I buried my own grief and despair to my own detriment.

Expedience is new to me, I was tactless and blunt when it suited me, I would speak and act as I saw things regardless if the possible ramifications, to my own or others feelings and lives. To put it bluntly, which I have already said I’m good at I didnt give flying fuck about the people I hurt along the way and more importantly the damage I was doing to my psyche, which was huge as it happened. Today I realised that forcing a confrontation was not very useful, the fact I was angry wasnt the most important issue for the family and therefore expedience would suggest the needs of the family come before mine, for now. this is the crux really it is fine to be expedient when necessary but do it too often for too long and you become bitter and resentful of the compromises you feel you have made while the other party makes none, a balance is required and therapy has given me a yard stick to measure that balance, for now.

Affection is the one I struggle most with, I love many people in many different ways, my nearest and dearest are highest in my mind but this was pretty much a closed book last year, I was receiving affection from many fronts but ignoring the efforts as it was expedient for me to do so, if everyone else hated me then I was right to do os also right? In the past few years of therapy something tumultuous happened, i started to feel, strange to say it but before I did most of my family acts as duty not love, even to my wife and children, i resented them as much as anything and treated them as a hinderance in my life, so you can imagine the depth of my feeling to everyone else, friends and family were in an even more dire situation with me, but this has changed and maybe its the biggest of the changes and probably the most important, thats for others to decide and the whole thing may not truly be distinguished until is shrug of this mortal coil and the words I have written are taken as a long version of events , after all last night in isolation would suggest something very different to tonight.

I have a list of words to describe the way I live now, some are emotional others practical

Purpose, mitigation, consideration, restraint, stoicism,expedience and affection are sitting pretty at the top of my list, friendship and camaraderie are there but the order suggest a hierarchy I have used and in doing so I hope I can come back from places like last night with a sense of strength, maybe I have to hit these barriers to learn how to climb them,or better still flatten them, I hope so and the list will grow as more awareness grows within my complicated mind/heart combo

  1. Mandi says:

    I really identified with your paragraph about affection especially. If my husband and even little girls want to give me a hug I immediately recoil. I force myself to do what I can, but It’s not enough. I haven’t heard many other BPD’s talk about having a hard time with affection, so I wasn’t sure if it was all part of “THIS” whatever this is… or just a different part of me to work on. And I am. I guess it makes me feel a little better knowing that I’m not alone. If that makes sense. I don’t WANT you to have to go through this anymore than I do. But since we have to… at least we have others to identify with!

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