Lines drawn and time spent

Posted: April 9, 2012 in Mental Health
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Sorry I havent been on for a while, there is this little known thing called a holiday that can sometimes be used to recharge your batteries, I havent used one very often so decided to try it, you know what it was brilliant and shit at the same time, BPD ‘R’ us would be proud of that statement I know.

Not writing, whether for my blogs, my fiction or Uni has been good, being away from any keyboard was fun and although I was constantly watching my E mail for my last TMA score I managed to avert my eyes and enjoy life on the other side of the internet, it used to be called real life but that wasnt cool enough so a new name will need to be made up, answers on a postcard please??

The TMA score arrived today, and the news is good, I managed to get 93% for every TMA I produced, a good score I’m sure you’ll agree but I dont feel proud, or clever just bereft.Why? Well apart from this piece of blogging and thereby you guys in the blogosphere no one else knows. I am not speaking to y wife right now, mainly because she isnt talking to me and i am nothing if not stubborn in these things so she doesnt care about such things right now, my daughter called to tell me her news and I didnt feel it was right to interject with mine, my dad does this to me every time I call and I hate it so doing it myself would be trite and hypocritical, wouldnt it?

Why isnt my wife speaking to me youre wondering no doubt, well so am I to be honest. We had a falling out last night in which I was the injured party at the start but some how managed to become a ghoul by the end, this was ended by her trumping off to bed and when I was woken this morning by the smell of freshly brewed coffee and bacon sandwiches I think she assumed that her decision not to continue with the row was final, I bit my lip and allowed this to be the case, it lasted about an hour and half. the second point of contention came while driving to sort out some stuff, again I was, in my opinion the one being hard done by but as usual the whole thing was turned around and the silent treatment began. I am quite capable of being silent, but I wont do so to be mean, if we’re not talking then I will avoid conversation but if need be I will speak, if just to allow my son to feel normal in an abnormal situation, and as I was the party most maligned I should be the one to hold the hardest grudge, I dont but this makes it all the worse.

I was ignored, spoken about whilst in the room and generally left out of everything when in truth I should be the one throwing my toys out of the metaphorical pram, this does nothing to resolve the argument but it does do something the wife hadnt planned for. It gets me thinking about how much of what I go through is related to my problems and how much is down to hers, her family situation, her insecurities and petty attitudes, her outright negativity in almost every area of life I know BPD has affected me of course but is it made worse by her attitudes and reactions to everything? then I get to wonder what life would be like without this added stress, could taking this away free my mind a bit and allow me to heal faster and certainly easier, in other words should I make a drastic decision and leave .

I dont want to, in fact writing it down seems very dangerous but its an honest assessment of how I feel and this may be wrong but the other choice is to carry on with the weight of someone elses issue dragging me deeper into a mire I cannot see an end to. I love my wife and dont want her to be unhappy but from what she has said she is and its my fault, both occasions of our falling out have come back to this point, what she has had to put up with, what her life is like with me, poor her etc. I can take one of two things from this either she is being extremely mean and hurtful which makes leaving seem sensible for my benefit or she is telling the truth which means leaving makes sense for hers, there is probably a middle ground, the infamous grey area but I cant see it and dont really want to look. I have news for her, stuff about our family, my grades and other things which arent being expressed due to her current demeanour, if I cant express myself then I will build up a head of lethal steam and explode at some point, she knows this, or claims to but still she persists.

 I am feeling very angry and wound up right now, cannot let these feelings out and I am not sure doing so would really help, I have to do something and in the absence of a calming voice in the dark I will probably do the wrong thing as I so often have, but I really feel this time I wont be to blame for anything I do or say, mitigation is one of my buzz words, it helped me get over the worst of my BPD but its a double edged sword and maybe the same mitigation cannot be used in this case, well see I guess

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