Worse off?? who cares

Posted: March 27, 2012 in Mental Health

I had a chat with a very enlightened gent today about the old adage, you know the one, no matter how bad you think things are there’s always someone else who’s worse off. Its a classic and as a BPD sufferer I’ve heard it a million times, that and you exaggerate a lot. It has come from family, friends which I get is their effort to ground you but also from CPN’s , Psychiatrist and psychoanalysts which I don’t get to be honest.

I am well aware I dont have cancer, I dont fear bombings in the night or need a wheelchair to get around, lucky me. I can see that I am not the least fortunate person in the world and on most days I can use this as a lever to get myself motivated, most days. The problem is the days when it doesnt work, you know the ones, where sleep has come at a price and been next to useless as a refresher. you lay in your bed and it feels like a stone slab, you wish it was and you had died but you havent and life is expecting your attendance in the days activities. There are other days when youre so hyper you can’t lay there a second longer and you get a rush of adrenaline thinking about housework or walking the dog, these are just ying to the others yang and no better for you in my humble opinion.

On the days your laying there, you might be alone or hear the rest of the house moving about, not making any effort to keep the noise down as a vain effort to get you out of the bedroom the pain is the same in my eyes, you want to be dead, to have never existed therefore not hurt anybody in your passing and while I lay there I consider how I could execute this plan, death by natural causes is the best ‘out’ but that’s in the lap of the gods so what can you do, expose yourself to radiation, asbestos or something else equally toxic, not likely to be lying around ae they so its likely you will be left planning for a while then either forced up by your family or your bladder and out into the world you go, breathe in breathe out, eat and shit and then go back to the pit to lay awake for hours with flashbacks of your life going through your mind, apparently there are peoplke worse off than you and this might help to know, apparently.

I am sympathetic to everyone who is a worse position, I am but at that exact moment, or day or week or month I’m in the hole I could give a flying fuck about them, knowing theyre there makes it harder not better, knowing they get sympathy for their plight when I am looked on as a malingerer makes me angry and also the waste of my life when there are others who would give everything for a few extra days of mobility or life makes me guilty and adds to the already prodigious amount of weight on my shoulders.

I am not saying the argument is invalid, but what I dont want is to hear it, we are not all insensible morons we know about the real world, our TV‘s have the same channels as everyone else the worlds going to pot and I get it, so dont be telling me to buck my ideas up, stop feeling sorry for myself and things will seem better with a bit of fresh air in my lungs, they may well be true but I dont want or need to hear it at that point.

 Unlike most people who lay there with natural deaths as a fantasy I have the power to speed up my own demise, the toxic substance that will be my poison is sugar, I have easy access to as much as I want and knowing this makes everyday a struggle to withold the desriee of using natures own henchman for my own needs, I could conceivably die of completely natural causes and be left with a guilt free suicide but I dont want to, it may not appear to others as the case but I am trying to control my diabetes, not for my self but my loved ones and having anyone remind me of those who do not have the power to change their plight isnt really fuelling the desire to continue.

 I guess what I am saying is that BPD, Depression or whatever your malady of the mind being reminded your not as ill as those people is trite and unproductive, and can be destructive and all the while your belittling the illness you’re also belittling the sufferer and we dont really need help in that department thank you.

 

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Comments
  1. brettbatten says:

    I can relate to what you are saying. I have had the plight of others pointed out to me by professionals and I am often perceptive enough to be able to acknowledge these facts myself. To know someone has a larger thorn in their foot does little to lessen the pain of my own thorn.

  2. Mandi says:

    Ughhhh, I too get this. When I’m like “that” I’m not laying there feeling sorry for myself. I’m wondering whats better… Sticking it out with the hope that things will be better, soon, (i have two girls, 3 and 7) or if removing myself now so that they can move on to a better life without me being a burden and barrier is better.

    I KNOW people have it worse than I do. Which makes me just feel guilty. What right do I have to feel this way while others persevere through cancer, abuse, trauma, etc…. But the problem is, the feelings come REGARDLESS of how hard we try. I wish they could accept the fact that we HATE being this way and would change if we could. And that “tough love” works the opposite.

    Fortunately I have a husband that while doesn’t understand because hes never felt it… Has done his research.

    Maybe those close to you would be willing to look at even the basics of what you’re dealing with? That helped hugely for me. And talking a lot.

    I’m sorry things are bad. I hope it’s short lived!

    Mandi

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