Driving me sane??

Posted: March 21, 2012 in Crazy stuff
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I have begun to look at life much the same as I do driving, how? you might ask and the questions is a valid one I will endeavour to answer here and now, the fact I am not stating that I will be answering it in the definitive is a measure of my journey thus far.

We live life going forward, the road (life) is laid before us with junctions (choices) and intersections ( not going to put a bracket after ever metaphor so try keeping up). We have a certain amount of free will but when we start its not ours to have, we are very much passengers in someone elses journey and that mean we get dragged into things we wouldnt have chosen for ourselves, this is the same for everyone, its called childhood and you hope that wherever you get taken will not be too far off of the route you later plan for, unfortunately for some the driver we are allied to goes off road and the damage done is so vast that we never have a chance to join the mainstream, the motorway of life if you will. It is recognised and accepted that a bad parent has the power to permanently damage the life of their charges with one callous act or a million seemingly mundane ones, or worse inaction.

So what do we, the poor souls drawn from the beaten track into unknown wilderness’ where there is no road to follow, what do we do? well quite often we decide to stop, to drive off the end of the figurative cliff and end it all, if we are fortunate we do not have anyone we can drag into the pit with us and leave nothing more than tread marks to mourn our passing. This is not likely to be the case, so often the suicide leaves craters for everyone else to navigate, their roads become difficult and in the case of any offspring their own paths follow a similar course unless intervention takes place in the form of therapy, a navigation tool on lifes highway if you will.

So I have explained the metaphor, anyone not getting it yet should possibly get some sleep and either read it again tomorrow or ignore the whole thing and come back when I post again on more sensible. I am on my journey, as is everyone and I would place my BPD and its effects in the category of either brakes that refuse to work or have refused to be released. I am either going too fast in any direction but the right one or stagnant and unable to move on an inch, in the meantime the world moves on, our passengers are being driven by others, hopefully family but not always by any means and our roadside assistance is rather low on coverage it seems. I have had the good fortune to be rescued in my journey by a remarkable service that attempts to reroute my helter skelter ride and put me back on the road to life’s ultimate goal, normality and enjoyment.

Now I have the road in front of me, the steering wheel in my own hands and the power to decide what happens next I find myself in a quandary, where the fuck does this road go? and when will i know I have arrived at my destination, I dont even know if there is a destination and should I be trusted to carry anyone as my passenger? I have a co-pilot now, she was always there but I had conveniently ignored her presence. So I am joined in my journey and a new passenger is placed in my care, should this really be allowed I ask and what if his journey is affected as much as mine was by my piss poor driving parents.

The fact is I am missing that most vital piece if equipment of any driver worth their salt, a map, yes the road signs will point you in the right direction for the important stuff but you need to get to the local area to see the smaller place names, after all loch ness is mentioned on any street signs in Kent and likewise Margate doesnt figure in the highlands, why would they. Problem is I like to know where other places are in advance, I might not go to Loch ness but I would like to know how to get there just in case I need or want to and that’s where I find myself. I have so many destinations that I want to get to but I have lost my special team of navigators and need to man up and work things out for myself. to add to the metaphor I have a bad engine and no idea how to fix it, not my mental issues but everything else, I am no petrol head and lack the know how to make broken things work or the fuel to get the engine started on occasion.

So I look out from within my cockpit and wonder where I can go and dream of things I wish to see, education, foreign travel and eventually extended family, I have to somehow overcome the poor examples I was given, use the special knowledge I was given by those benevolent souls who repaired my situation and feel confident enough in my own directions to get to where I eventually want to be, which i might have I have no clue about, but the big lesson I learnt and the one I have just discovered, No one really knows where they will be when they finish the journey, some have a better idea than others but in truth the journey rarely ends as we see fit and not trying to predict it is part of the solution in how to get the.

No that was metaphorically some deep shit and I hope you managed to follow it, I apologise if you didnt and be very clear its not you its me.


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