Job done and no trauma, its all good

Posted: March 19, 2012 in Mental Health
Tags: , , , , , , ,

So I manned up and finally said goodbye to my therapy group, I was supposed to have done so a few weeks ago but it didnt seem right to end the group like that, someone who rarely got any time was talking and I have too much respect for the fact they needed to do so to interrupt for my own selfish reasons. That said I was more than happy with how it went and if I could have chosen how it went down it wouldnt have been very different, even the cast of players was near perfect and the only comments I got were genuine concern and support and that’s how I want to remember the unit, as a place where support and concern carried you through the crap days and helped to make a difference to not just my life bu that of my family as well.

I have expressed my gratitude to the members and staff but I wanted to reinforce just how great the difference they have made to mine and so many others lives. the members are unfortunate in so many ways to be there, after all the criteria for being accepted is a pretty serious case of personality disorder and these things dont just happen there is almost always a very sad, sometime horrific story behind these things yet the members are some of the most beautiful and caring people you could wish to meet, yes I wish it could have been under better circumstances but it wasnt to be and I will always see this as a silver lining to what was a very, or should I say is, a very serious problem that debilitated me and my family for many years.

As I move onto the next phase of my life it is as a stronger more aware man, I know better than to trust my inner voice implicitly, I check things out now and where before I would allow my emotions to have a free reign only when I was angry I now see that they can offer something in the good times as well and expressing them is vital when trying to maintain some kind of equilibrium of the mind. everything I went through in the almost three years within the umbrella of the group has developed my sense of self and my place in the real world which is not the one I lived in prior to joining. I accept that I was a monster at times, my thoughts were dark and aggressive and I did things I shouldnt, even if they seemed to be justified at the time, the justification was my own and I was using some very strange criteria to make those decisions. people have been hurt by me, physically and more importantly emotionally and I will have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life, that’s fair in my eyes, what I dont have to do though is live under the shadow of that guilt, why would I use it as a guide to who am I anymore than my writing or my parenting, what makes it more intrinsic than any of my other traits and eccentricities?

Thats what I have left with, I can finally after almost thirty years since this thing began, although that is now a debatable time frame as it is argued my life was in a maelstrom long before my abuse happened but I will stick to my original time table to make things manageable, see that I am a whole person, nothing defines me specifically, what you see is not what you get and all the while I bought into my own ideas of what I was I was punishing myself and everyone around me for, real and imagined events and attitudes, I now accept every part of me for what it is, yes some days I am more of a bastard than not but others I am altruistic, its not enough to offset my misdeeds but it never would have been so I can forget doing it as penance, I have no God so who would I be paying the penance for anyway.

Most of those who read this wont know anything about the group, and Im sorry if this makes no sense to you but those wo do will understand my deep heartfelt gratitude, and how different the very fact I can express this is from the man who started the process all that time ago, I have no god as I said but I hope that whatever or whoever those people look to for acceptance and guidance blesses them all for the wonderful brave and giving people they are, in a way I will always love them for being themselves while wishing they had never had a need of the group at all.

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