Deep dark thoughts have been camped out in my head for years, if the regression I did with my CPN back in 2003 is anything to go by then its been going on since I was 13 years old. I have tried through therapy to resolve this, looking at why I have assumed certain things and the emotions behind other, false emotions have been revealed and I feel somewhat better prepared for their eventual resurrection, I am not be defeatist they will be back as sure as eggs are eggs.

After a whole two and half years of therapy some would say it has failed me, that I am not ‘cured’ or able to return to work as a full time useful member of society. This may seem to be the case for them, I sometimes feel this way too but it is rare and not something I dwell on. Therapy has taught me some home truths, about how I really am compared to the out of kilter way I saw in my head. If you can imagine believing all your dreams are real memories, that you could walk around feeling guilty for things that have never happened whilst being unable to feel it for things that did, it is confusing and frightening and for everyone around me not a little bit scary. I was described by some professionals as sociopathic and I can see where this must have been based, in many of my interviews I not only failed to show remorse but often made light of some very dark actions, when challenged my absolute conceit in my own mind would render them unable to grasp the fact I was behind a well constructed facade, maybe they should have , being mental health professionals and all.

Now as I look at my first year away from the therapy unit I find myself counting up the good points and pretty much ignoring the bad, there are still some and in many ways I would probably be totally uncomfortable without these, after all all the things in my head were produced by reality, whether it was my own will always be a mystery to me. I am ending my therapeutic association but continuing with the many friendships, the drudgery of listening to others issues in teh hope it will somehow shine a light on mine is now over and I can appreciate the people for people not service users to be pitied or supported, sometimes hated and derided in my head, If I dont want to talk to someone about their deepest emotions I can get up and go away, no restrictions on how or where I choose to listen or not will make things better I’m sure and in doing so improve the way I relate to everyone I have yet to meet.

I feel that I will soon ‘out’ myself as a BPD sufferer to everyone who it might matter to, professionally or socially and in doing this the final barrier will be lifted, I can be me everywhere I go, no putting on a front and hopefully no ill informed altitudes being expressed in my company. When and if this happens I might find myself vilified by some and who knows maybe even ostracised but if that happens so be it, I wont react as I might have in the past, I will look at it with fresh eyes and realise they are the ones with an issue and I am just someone working on their own, if it doesnt make me feel any better then I will persevere and get through it in my own time, watch this space is all I can say I guess


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