Appropriate adult, who me??

Posted: March 6, 2012 in Mental Health

I am writing this in a time I might reasonably expect to be sleeping, the boy is at school and there is usually nothing to do for a few hours, my sleep pattern is crap so the opportunity to get som extra shut eye is always appreciated. However I have an appointment this morning so cannot get my extra hours in, what will be the upshot of this I cannot predict but the next couple of days are bound to be odd for me and I am unsure of where I stand on the logic of leaving me in sole charge of my son and the house for two days.

I am not a teenager being left for the first time, indeed as a teenager I was left permanently on my own, abandonment issues much?? but I do have issues around responsibility that have never been fully dealt with, My wife has a family issue of her own and I get the whys and wherefores but still this isnt really a regular situation and I admit there is a massive amount of trepidation on my behalf about what can and might happen. I look after my son all the time but that is on a time specific set up, I know no matter what someone will be here sooner rather than later and that is like a safety net, psychologically. I am not really alone, I have friends and the like nearby, that’s not the worry, the boy is safe and sound and that’s not an issue its what my nerves and anxiety’s are doing in the period where I am completely in charge of everything and its not comfortable for me.

I aim to move on in life at a decent pace, become more responsible and eventually take the reigns of my life and maybe even some for others, I am a natural leader when I am well so why shouldnt I resume my old attitude in the future right? I like to imagine this is all a short blip in an otherwise long and illustrious career ahead, that when they write my obituary these years will be so small in importance compared to my past and future achievements that they wont even warrant a mention but I am not so sure it will ever be the case that I can in some way obliterate the memory of these long years of malaise with something of note. I will write more and aim to gain my degree and move forward but I am anchored to the idea that Steve is always going to be the guy with BPD, I no longer believe it will be my end, I will not die or kill myself as a result of this condition but it will underline my life, the before life with success and apparent happiness then the after, if there is an after where I made do and achieved quite well in spite of the BPD.

So looking after my son as any man should be able to do, something I am more than capable of doing shouldnt be anything to concern myself with. The future should be something I dont have to worry about, its going to happen regardless of how I feel but knowing that is causing me some real anxiety and this is evident of the fact that I am still way to vulnerable for my own comfort, in time I hope this post will make me laugh and I will wonder what my problem was, lets cross our fingers.

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