Dig deeper?? I’m at the bottom so where do I dig now

Posted: March 2, 2012 in Mental Health

Its said to almost anyone who has suffered a depressive illness, pull yourself together, think about how bad others have it, stop being selfish. All very helpful I’m sure you will agree, BPD has similar strains of concern around being manipulative or needy and how we should just stop it, these offers og good sound advice take no account of the very fact we would like to doing more than as they ask, if it was even possible to state how desperate we are to fulfil these requests I wouldnt as an author be able to express it, a thesaurus only has so many words and synonyms and they are inadequate at this time,.

I am making some bold choices in the next few weeks regarding who knows the full extent of my problems and how this information is used in a hopefully a positive way, I am torn by the feeling of wanting to expose the illness for its pitiless self and trying to hide my illness from anyone who may use it as a stick to beat me with. I took stock of my achievements and they are nothing in my own mind but when they are reflected back at me I can see that anyone no matter how well they may claim to be would be proud of many of the things I hold with so little regard. At the very base of the pyramid is my willingness to volunteer my time to help teenagers, both as a mentor and guidance counsellor of sorts, allied to this my Samaritans work should fill me with pride, I am told continuously that this should be the case but its not sinking in. Up a level is my endeavours in higher education, I am studying two courses in very different subject matters and without being immodest I am aceing them right now, this is in spite of the drains on my time of looking after my six year old son, attending treatment and dividing whats left between study and morose sleeping.

Next level is my new obligation of becoming a school governor and everything that entails which believe me is no picnic, I am fitting this in alongside the efforts of writing my next book, this obviously means research and use of my mind as a creative rather than destructive force which takes some energy to maintain. In doing this I am also publishing and distributing my first novel, maintaining the website and blog that are running alongside the book and still trying to manage family life and good house husbandry in the same breath.

now I look at them in tandem and understand some degree of why I am told to be proud of my achievements, study, volunteering and fatherhood are all noble and worthwhile things if I heard of anyone else trying to do what I am trying then I would recommend they be celebrated for their efforts but for me its not enough, it will never be enough because all those years of getting no recognition for the little things means the big stuff is diminished so extremely that I cannot see the woods for the trees.

That said I have reached the bottom of my particular hole, I sank as low as i could and began working upwards slowly, almost imperceptibly towards a growth and momentum is like anything hard, it need to be cajoled and prodded if it is to continue. I will hopefully put my own feeling of fear and trepidation aside and follow the advice of others, that is to let those who are interested my work know the hardship that was behind me all the while I was writing of the struggle for three years to put anything at all on paper and the plight of everyone else still down in the pit struggling to reach the surface and make something of a life blighted by BPD and many other insidious mental health conditions. I may hold fire until I feel brave enough to make the hard choices or I may do as I once used to and jump i and take the consequences regardless of the fall out, its still there in my mind waiting for a decision, watch this space for the answer to my quandary.

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Comments
  1. i’m a firm believer that you need to fall on your face to get yourself back up. That’s what I had to do. I’ve really enjoyed reading your blogs 🙂

    On a side note: I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! If you want to participate my post has the details http://prideinmadness.wordpress.com/2012/03/03/versatile-blogger-award-round-3/

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