I’ve decided to make a decision, or have I?

Posted: February 29, 2012 in Mental Health

I am at an impasse, I need to make up my mind where I am and what I intend being in the near future, which ultimately means where I will be in the nots so near future, causality I believe its called and its my current theme of choice.

The irony of having to make a choice isnt lost on me, I have to ways to make decisions in the past, blindly decide what I was going to either think, say or do without any consideration of consequences for me or others then I’d go for it and defend my decision forever regardless of right or wrong, I was rarely wrong with my thinking but actions and speech were a car crash for everyone really. My other less used process was to procrastinate until it was too late and things would get out of hand, the sitting on the bed in the foetal position rocking from one flew over the cuckoos nest should give you an idea of my position at the time.

After what felt like a few months but was in fact a few years I have come to a point where decisions need to be made and I have wrestled back control for myself and want to exercise my right to have my own say. I spoke today about being a grown up, I am 41 and father to three children one of whom is at uni, I am in all intense and purposes an adult but I havent really believed that until recently so when people treat me or more importantly value me as such I was suspicious, now I get the idea, by dint of my years they assume I am able to do what I say and let me get on with it. It might sound a little sad but I have always needed to know that others knew my shortcomings before letting me do stuff in case they made a decision on me in error, even being Santa at the school fayre was tricky, if I failed to pull it off scores of kids would be let down, the PTA might lose money and on it rolls until I eventually get tarred and feathered for my failure, it went well as everyone else knew it would but I had to be shown the figures and hear the comments to believe I had done it right.

I struggle to trust myself which is a far cry from before my illness took a grip, I was almost cavalier on making decisions and lucky in my success rate, at work I was straight in no messing, hiring and firing as required and being as sensitive as I could be whilst just getting on with things, danger, real or imagined wasnt an issue and to some extent I took that too far and endangered myself when I needn’t have, however now just making a relatively straight forward decision about my life seems to be unassailable right now. I have in fact decided what to do , I am now going through the process of tearing the decision to pieces which I am resolved to ignore and as the current vogue says, keep calm and carry on, in my situation its keep to the theme and do not divert from youre chosen path.

I am sorry if I am being a little obtuse but I cant very well state my intention here without doing the decent thing first and telling those involved what I have decided, its not that they have any input I just like to do so to be politely, when its all done and dusted I will clarify my position for anyone who might give a damn, til then take care.

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