cock up and ramifications

Posted: February 28, 2012 in Mental Health

I screwed up my meds and apart from missing out on two friends events I thought that was that, a bit of heartfelt apologising and I could get on with things as usual, not so. I experienced something not common in my life, at least not overtly anyway, I felt guilt for my friends, one was a pop in to her business thing to show some support and the other was a proper party. We were all dressed and prepared to leave, I was sitting at my laptop, as is the usual case and my wife remarked I looked odd, not unusual when you are in fact odd. I felt a bit giddy so admitted as much where upon she rushed to the kitchen and came back with my evening tabs still in the pill stacker and my night time drugs were nowhere to be seen, a cock up as mentioned.

Now the following is recounted to me as I have no memory of events but I was adamant I was going to be fine and we could style it out, if people thought I was a bit drunk then no harm in that at a party right? well I was slurring my speech and stumbling about so I agreed to have a fifteen minute nap to recover myself, like that ever works, and the next I knew it was early morning and I felt like crap. There had been an agreement to wake me after a while which happened but I was gone so no joy there. as I have mentioned the ramifications are as stated apart from my son being very angry about missing his chance to dance with his friend and my wife feeling somehow responsible for the error, which was silly as I take these pills every day. they look nothing alike there are four instead of five and it beggars belief how I could mix them up but it happened.

Now the following morning I sent apologies which I hope were accepted and thought that was that, I hadn’t as a result of my comatose state taken the drugs I should have or injected myself at all that night so the after effects were new to me and it has taken the best part of two days to get control of my blood sugars again. I am in the process of researching a new eating plan that will lower my glucose levels, help me lose this stomach, which is my only fat area and apparently that’s like the worse place it could be, who knew? so the research is typical of me, I read one set of advice then look for its opposite to check the quality of research and pick wholes in both, its taking its time and in the mean time I am acting as usual, which when you havent medicated for a while is not good as I found out.

My mood is not usually dependant on my diet but it has been these last few days and trying to convince myself I dont need to up my mental health meds because of how I feel is not easy as they are a crutch and when you feel lousy it is so much easier to medicate the problem than solve it, solving maybe a bit of an overstatement. the sum result of all this is I felt bad for my friends and in the end felt really bad in myself and all because of a freak event that I couldnt repeat if I tried. as a footnote the evening tabs never bloody work when I need the to, the nights I have laid awake at three or four in the morning waiting for the oblivion they are supposed to encourage it makes the events of saturday even more annoying if that was in anyway possible.

I am still researching the various diets, healthy eating plans and philosophies that might help my condition but in the meantime I am preparing for the rollercoaster to continue as it has for the last few years, oh and this doesnt even take into account my BPD, how much fun will it to add that to the mix\/

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