Deep and shit

Posted: February 11, 2012 in Mental Health
Tags: , , , ,

My last few posts have been a bit deep and I would love to say I was going to change things up a bit, I would like to be able to but my head is in a very deep place and I have the displeasure of being able to spend time on this crap.

I spent the afternoon wondering about consequences of my past. I know the obvious stuff like my BPD and the emotional scars but what other choices have I made as a result of my past? My opinion of women was coloured for thirty years and that’s the obvious one, Is my obesity related to things, I choose to be this way and unlike many people who have to suffer I dont, but I do. I hate Vanity yet put myself in positions where it is evident and this may have affected my choice of friends and the relatives I do give my time to and those I wont. I know I am hyper suspicious of anyone offering to care for me, its been done before and I got hurt so why would I trust anyone ever again?

This line of thought is very divisive and could lead me down a very dark road indeed, if my choices are wrong based on bad or misinformed ideas then what is my life really all about? I do feel that through my children I achieve something and I am loved by my wife in spite of myself but everything else is open to question and I dont like this line of thought at all. I try to turn it off and it works at time but essentially I am hardwired the wrong way, I wasnt born this way but things werent right very early on so I am fighting evolution on this one, what with BPD , misogyny and self esteem a snake could crawl under what chance have I got right now?

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